Today’s Post Brought to you by: Depression, Anger, Disappointment and Bad Self-Esteem
Now if that is not an uplifting post title, I don’t know what is!
Look, I do know and acknowledge that I have good things in my life. Really, I do.
And I do know that my life is a piece of cake if you compare it to those who have it much harder than I do. People who have had terrible tragedies happen in their lives, people who are sick, people who don’t have family or friends that care about them. I KNOW. For some reason my brain doesn’t want to truly embrace that and move the fuck on.
I’m cheesed off about everything. I’m mad, angry, disappointed and I feel really let down. I feel abandoned. I’ve got the self-esteem level of a crack-whore being kicked in an alleyway. For what? I WISH I KNEW.
I feel very depressed. I keep saying that good times are coming again in the HOPES that my power of positive thinking will actually work. Yet I sit here in tears for the god-only-knows-nth day in a row. For what???
I’m disappointed in myself.
I’m disappointed in others.
I’m angry that my body will not cooperate with me.
I’m sad and confused as to why I can’t get my head in the right place.
I’m pissed off that I can not seem to follow through, not one single day, with doing the right thing.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted actually.
I don’t really know what to do any more. “They” say that eating right and keeping active keeps your endorphins in the right place, keeps you or helps you feeling better about yourself. But that’s not doing it for me.
What’s it going to take to get me going in the way I want to be going again?
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It’s hard not to take results personally but a strategy that works for some, including me, is to hold myself accountable only for my actions, not my results. As long as I concentrate on my actions, something I can control, I can eliminate angst over something I can’t control, my results. Overall this helps my mental state and the reality is the results will come in time if I’m doing the right things.
I appreciate these thoughts. At the risk of sounding shitty, this is what I’ve done for a long time. It’s not just a month or two or three that I’m on a plateau. It’s a year and a half. I’m running out of positivity, if you can imagine. The results don’t seem to be happening anywhere.
I know exactly how you’re feeling. I’m doing these four exercise classes a week, and in the weeks that I’ve stuck to my calorie goals (NOT this week) I’ve not lost anything, or I’ve stayed the same. When I was doing ProPoints, I was gaining and losing alternately, despite sticking rigidly to the plan, and doing my exercise.
Our bodies, apparently, are just not co-operating with what we’re doing to them and putting into them.
Exercise is supposed to make you feel better, but what happens when you come down from that high? You’re just left noticing that what you’re doing isn’t working, and there’s only so long you can do it before it starts annoying you, and you end up sabotaging yourself, right?
I think that’s where we’re at. :( And it kind of sucks.
I offer e-hugs, and just… I dunno. Keep our fingers crossed and keep saying the positive things and keep trying to stay on track? Hopefully SOMETHING will start working soon.
<3
I heart you so much Tracy!!! xxx
I’m sorry you’re struggling. And at the risk of (a) sounding like a guy trying to FIX THE PROBLEM and (b) being a day late and a dollar short if you’ve already tried this…have you thought about finding a good therapist to talk to? I’m not one to knee-jerk to the therapy option, but it helped me understand myself and get through a really difficult time in my life a few years back. Just a thought. And in the meantime, hugs and hang in there even when you don’t feel like it!
Hey Valerie. Thanks for responding. I’ve had therapy before and I’m not against it at all. In fact I know exactly what I’m doing to myself and thankfully I have the tools already (though perhaps they are rusty) to make some repairs. I would actually love to go back into therapy again (hmmm maybe “love” isn’t the world), but I really, really don’t have time or funds for it. Moreover, therapy is hard enough in itself, doing it in another language is a major challenge, one that I don’t have the energy for right now. i’m just in a real slump, but I will get through it. Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words!
[…] going back on my word, because I’m getting desperate. I said to Renée that maybe we just need something that’ll start working […]
I’m sorry that I was offline and didn’t read this post. I hope that your new blog focus is a sign that you’re feeling more on track with everything because dang girl, I like you and I sure want you to be happy.
It sucks that the brain is so complicated and that life is so messy. I can relate to your feelings in other areas of my life.It hurts to be constantly frustrated, out of control of what you want and need to control. Not fair. Anger producing for sure. There are some areas of my life that I’ll probably never be satisfied with. My solution is to put my head down and power ahead anyway because I’m so freakin’ stubborn and I figure that someday…maybe. I guess the hope is what keeps us moving ahead when it seems fruitless. But at some point, that only takes you so far. Been there too. I’m trying very hard to accept that what I get may not be what I want and it sounds like that’s your struggle too. Like you, I try to look at what IS good and what I can have and I try to be happy with that. And it’s hard.
thanks Katie. I really freaking heart you big time! we are so similar, it’s uncanny at times. You are like the big sister I never had! xx
I’m sorry you are feeling so down. I wonder if physically you are or were recently overtraining? Overtraining will drain your body and mind and make it unable to feel good. You can look up signs of overtraining, some are fatigue, depression. Also maybe under-eatiing. I thought it might be something to consider. Maybe consider spending a few weeks away from vigorous workouts and focus on gentle activities and caring for yourself. Best to you! You inspire me! Love your blog.
Thank you Jenny. I’m actually taking it easy right now. It feels weird but ok at the same time.