Chances Are

3 November, 2010 Off By Renée

Chances of ever learning: 0
.

Chances of ever seeing the back of 80KG: 0
.

Chances of not feeling jealous when others lose 3,672 lbs in less than a year while I only lose 5lbs: 0
.

Chances of not feeling fed up with this whole fucking thing: 0
.

Chances of ever getting regular and consistent sleep: 0
.

Chances of moving and having less of a commute: 0
.

Chances of not hating my body just for one day: 0
.

Chances of not being angry at myself for one reason or another: 0
.

Chances of not feeling jaded, bitter and envious: 0
.

I’m really, really, really fed up right now. The only reason I don’t quit is because I’m too stubborn to quit. I’ve put too much into this. Even though MY BODY REFUSES TO FUCKING COOPERATE WITH ME. I’ve spent too much money on clothes that fit and gotten rid of all my fat clothes. I’ve put myself out there and claimed to be an athlete. Yeah. A FAT athlete. What a joke.
.

I’m stressed and MY BRAIN REFUSES TO FUCKING COOPERATE WITH ME. When am I going to learn that JUNK WILL NOT HELP ME!! IT WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. IT WILL NOT DO MY WORK OR THE WORK OF THE PERSON WHO REFUSES TO COME TO THE OFFICE. Seriously. I’m 42 years old. WHY is it so difficult to get this through my thickass skull?!!
.

I’m angry. I’m bitter. I want to be happy for others. I want to not compare. I want to accept myself and who I am, regardless of my body size or shape or weight. But I don’t get it! Is there something wrong with me physically, biologically??
.

I’m sick of being positive. I’m sick of finding all of the good things. I have given myself all of the pep talks I’ve given to others. I’ve listened endlessly to advice. I’ve focused on other things. I’ve said eleventy billion times that it’s not the number on the scale. I KNOW ALL OF THE THINGS I’M SUPPOSED TO KNOW. I’m tired, people. Tired of congratulating. Tired of being excited for others. I want some of that too. I don’t want this to just be about me maintaining this stupid weight, WHICH BY THE WAY IS STILL IN THE OVERWEIGHT BMI CATEGORY, who just happens to run. Who runs but never improves because she is FAT.

I don’t want to be fat anymore. Give me a fucking break here. I want to lose weight and reach my goal too. Why is that so much to ask?

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