Chances Are

Chances of ever learning: 0

Chances of ever seeing the back of 80KG: 0

Chances of not feeling jealous when others lose 3,672 lbs in less than a year while I only lose 5lbs: 0

Chances of not feeling fed up with this whole fucking thing: 0

Chances of ever getting regular and consistent sleep: 0

Chances of moving and having less of a commute: 0

Chances of not hating my body just for one day: 0

Chances of not being angry at myself for one reason or another: 0

Chances of not feeling jaded, bitter and envious: 0

I’m really, really, really fed up right now. The only reason I don’t quit is because I’m too stubborn to quit. I’ve put too much into this. Even though MY BODY REFUSES TO FUCKING COOPERATE WITH ME. I’ve spent too much money on clothes that fit and gotten rid of all my fat clothes. I’ve put myself out there and claimed to be an athlete. Yeah. A FAT athlete. What a joke.

I’m stressed and MY BRAIN REFUSES TO FUCKING COOPERATE WITH ME. When am I going to learn that JUNK WILL NOT HELP ME!! IT WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. IT WILL NOT DO MY WORK OR THE WORK OF THE PERSON WHO REFUSES TO COME TO THE OFFICE. Seriously. I’m 42 years old. WHY is it so difficult to get this through my thickass skull?!!

I’m angry. I’m bitter. I want to be happy for others. I want to not compare. I want to accept myself and who I am, regardless of my body size or shape or weight. But I don’t get it! Is there something wrong with me physically, biologically??

I’m sick of being positive. I’m sick of finding all of the good things. I have given myself all of the pep talks I’ve given to others. I’ve listened endlessly to advice. I’ve focused on other things. I’ve said eleventy billion times that it’s not the number on the scale. I KNOW ALL OF THE THINGS I’M SUPPOSED TO KNOW. I’m tired, people. Tired of congratulating. Tired of being excited for others. I want some of that too. I don’t want this to just be about me maintaining this stupid weight, WHICH BY THE WAY IS STILL IN THE OVERWEIGHT BMI CATEGORY, who just happens to run. Who runs but never improves because she is FAT.

I don’t want to be fat anymore. Give me a fucking break here. I want to lose weight and reach my goal too. Why is that so much to ask?

11 thoughts on “Chances Are

  1. You’re normal. I’ve gone through the same thing. Quit thinking so hard. The more you look at #’s the more it will f%$k with your head. STOP. Eat as you know you should and exercise the weight will come off – your sabotaging yourself by thinking too hard. Buck up.. you’ll get through this.

  2. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel everything you are feeling. Of course you want to see the number drop on the scale, and of course it’s frustrating to have to congratulate others when they see it happen quickly and you’ve been struggling forever. I think with the stress you are feeling right now you should give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself for not meeting your fitness goals. Things will get better, work will be less stressful, and then you will be able to start fresh, change some things and see if that helps.

    And I think it’s great that you are a runner. You ARE an athlete. You even have cute pink running skirts. So I don’t know, I think everything is cyclical and things will get better in time. So hang in there. :)

  3. Yah, I know you aren’t really looking for a real response to this post. As you said, you know it all, you’ve heard all the advice. Everyone’s gotta vent sometimes.

    Just wanted you to know I’m reading and feeling for ya. Sometimes life sucks. :(

  4. Totally normal to feel what you are feeling. Hell, i’ve felt like that for weeks, and yet i have not come so far in my journey like you have, in fact, i’m only at the start, so what does that say about me?!!

    Listen here, lady, i may not have the answers to your questions above, but i have to tell you that you inspire me. I’m sure that means nothing at all on the days you feel like shit, but i’m gonna tell you anyway, there is a gal a few hundred miles away talking to her WW leader about you!

    I take in everything you say, and you have been really, really helpful to me.



  5. I know everyone else has said it, but we have all been there.

    I don’t have any magic words or fixes, but I hope you feel better now that you got it all out.

    Fwiw, I have faith in you, even if you don’t feel very hopeful right now.


  6. I know you probably don’t want to read this but I love this post. It makes me feel like I’m not the only one.

    As someone who is at the 108kg mark and isn’t running 10K, know that you are further along your journey than you think (even if you haven’t moved very far lately).

    You mentioned on Twitter that you wanted more support from your followers. What do you want us to do?

    1. actually I don’t want or need more support. I was having a whinging moment. I don’t know what more you guys can do than what you already do. so thanks for that!

  7. You are way too hard on yourself Renée. Look at the good things: you’ve already lost weight, you are a runner, you are a beautiful person.

    Stop thinking too much about it. Just eat and exercise without thinking. You will notice that when you do, you wake up one day and can say to yourself “hey, it’s been … days that I’ve been eating healthy and exercised and it wasn’t that hard”

    We all go through this, even I. But I stay positive for others because when I’m on a plateau or gain I know who to blame and that’s always me. I sabotage myself, no one helps me with that.

    Take it easy sweety, you deserve so much more than being angry on yourself.

  8. HUGS! I don’t know what else to say, except, don’t give up! I understand why you’re angry but don’t be. You’ve already come a long way. And I don’t think you’re at the end of the journey yet (even though you hate that word ;)), eventually the numbers will start moving again.

  9. thanks to EVERYONE for the comments and the tweets. Most of this is stress related. Thanks for reminding me of some great things. This is normal. I AM a runner. I HAVE come a long way. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to be frustrated. Calm down. Look at the bigger picture.

    Thanks for the thoughts and the hugs and the kisses and everything. From the bottom of my heart. You guys made me cry and I love you all for that.


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