Losing Steam

1 November, 2012 Off By Renée

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately.

I was really working hard on my goals for October and to be honest I feel like I did pretty good, not 100% consistent, but I really worked hard to get my running and my gym time in. I didn’t log my food on MFP every day and I managed to only stick my head in the candy jar once at work this month. So honestly, I give myself credit for that, for sure.

But I’m losing steam. I am bogged down by stuff that is in my head and I’ll tell you what it is – It’s about being good enough.

I realise I’m not super open and I know I can listen very well and be supportive but I have this thing about opening up either at the wrong time or not at all.

And I’ve done this basically forever.

I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who feels this way – basically, trying to manage my life in a balanced way means that I am always lacking in one area or another.

Like, for example, if I want to go to the gym or run (commitments to myself), it means less times with friends. There is guilt associated with that. Sometimes it’s just colleagues (but let’s not let that mean that I don’t truly them and definitely miss spending time away from work with them) but other times it’s true friends. I feel like I’m not a good enough friend. How can I be when I don’t spend enough time with them?

So then I try to spend more time with friends, and I don’t go to the gym, or I skip a run. I know, I know, it’s not the end of the freaking world, but then I feel like I failed myself again. Sure. Make sure everyone else around you is happy Pinky and don’t bother with yourself.

I make priorities and others fall by the wayside.
I don’t answer my emails from my family for weeks.
I’m lagging behind on paying bills.
I’m lagging behind on cleaning my house.
I rarely cook for my husband.
When my kids are around I’m stuffing in activities with friends or doing errands or running. So I’m a crappy stepmom as well.
I’m too tired to have any kind of alone time with my husband (yeah you know what I mean), sleep then becomes a priority, ie, crappy wife.

I am trying to push forward in so many areas in my life and work is one of them. Yet I’m dealing with delays and ambiguity and uncertainty and day after day it’s chipping away at my self-esteem.

I feel like I’M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. In any area.

I am reaching for chocolates.
I’m not logging my food.
I just skipped a run for pete’s sake. Why? because I’m tired.
I’m losing steam. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. None of it. I can’t do it anymore.

I have the crappiest choice available – SUCK IT UP and carry on trying to find what works or go back to the way things were. You know, when I was smoking and drinking every night and weighed 101KG. Because yeah, I felt like I was good enough back then, for sure. *rolls eyes*

I’m frustrated. I want to have a normal life. Normal relationships. Normal spare time. Nothing in my life right now is normal.

What do you do when you really start to lose it? I feel like a broken record lately, but this is just totally messing with my head right now. I know I don’t have to be perfect, but how do I ever get closer to that balance I so desperately need?

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