Losing Steam

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately.

I was really working hard on my goals for October and to be honest I feel like I did pretty good, not 100% consistent, but I really worked hard to get my running and my gym time in. I didn’t log my food on MFP every day and I managed to only stick my head in the candy jar once at work this month. So honestly, I give myself credit for that, for sure.

But I’m losing steam. I am bogged down by stuff that is in my head and I’ll tell you what it is – It’s about being good enough.

I realise I’m not super open and I know I can listen very well and be supportive but I have this thing about opening up either at the wrong time or not at all.

And I’ve done this basically forever.

I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who feels this way – basically, trying to manage my life in a balanced way means that I am always lacking in one area or another.

Like, for example, if I want to go to the gym or run (commitments to myself), it means less times with friends. There is guilt associated with that. Sometimes it’s just colleagues (but let’s not let that mean that I don’t truly them and definitely miss spending time away from work with them) but other times it’s true friends. I feel like I’m not a good enough friend. How can I be when I don’t spend enough time with them?

So then I try to spend more time with friends, and I don’t go to the gym, or I skip a run. I know, I know, it’s not the end of the freaking world, but then I feel like I failed myself again. Sure. Make sure everyone else around you is happy Pinky and don’t bother with yourself.

I make priorities and others fall by the wayside.
I don’t answer my emails from my family for weeks.
I’m lagging behind on paying bills.
I’m lagging behind on cleaning my house.
I rarely cook for my husband.
When my kids are around I’m stuffing in activities with friends or doing errands or running. So I’m a crappy stepmom as well.
I’m too tired to have any kind of alone time with my husband (yeah you know what I mean), sleep then becomes a priority, ie, crappy wife.

I am trying to push forward in so many areas in my life and work is one of them. Yet I’m dealing with delays and ambiguity and uncertainty and day after day it’s chipping away at my self-esteem.

I feel like I’M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. In any area.

I am reaching for chocolates.
I’m not logging my food.
I just skipped a run for pete’s sake. Why? because I’m tired.
I’m losing steam. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. None of it. I can’t do it anymore.

I have the crappiest choice available – SUCK IT UP and carry on trying to find what works or go back to the way things were. You know, when I was smoking and drinking every night and weighed 101KG. Because yeah, I felt like I was good enough back then, for sure. *rolls eyes*

I’m frustrated. I want to have a normal life. Normal relationships. Normal spare time. Nothing in my life right now is normal.

What do you do when you really start to lose it? I feel like a broken record lately, but this is just totally messing with my head right now. I know I don’t have to be perfect, but how do I ever get closer to that balance I so desperately need?

12 thoughts on “Losing Steam

  1. Awww, I totally get this. I’m ready for some normal where I don’t have to turn down plans EVERY FRIDAY because I have to get up early to train. Or have to plan social events way in advance to coincide with workout schedules. Or do one whole load of workout clothes twice a week. I can think of some ideas to make it better (maybe focus on short but intense workouts to save time, try to get some of those buddies to run or do a class with you), but I know that’s all ideal world stuff and in reality – it just can suck and exhaust you to do the right thing all the time.

    I know I’m ready to curl up with a book in bed right now for a few days during the day, and sit on my patio and sip some wine by night, giving a eff-all about training. I’m giving myself a week or 2 to do it this month as a vacation. :)

  2. And here was I, thinking you were wonderwoman, doing all you do and working full-time on the other side of the country! It makes me exhausted just thinking about it. I’ve seen your Endomondo stuff; you exercise. Not to mention travelling off to the UK and America to meet up with friends and exercise too. I’ve seen photos of you visiting places with your kids and off cycling with your hubby. I’ve seen FB updates about train delays which eat up your time and energy. Give yourself a break. It doesn’t all have to be perfect. Housework: it never goes away. Bills: can your hubby take over the admin? Just because you haven’t reached your exercise goals or you’ve eaten some chocolate, doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. Good friends will wait. Your family loves you, so give them what you can, when you can. A little bit of Renee goes a long way!

  3. HUGS! We all feel this way at some time. I had it after my two 10k’s this summer. What I tend to do is scale back a bit and take care of myself. I didn’t say stop exercising, but don’t feel like you have to be superwoman with it. I think #1 priority when you feel this way is yourself. That sounds selfish but it starts with you. Take care of you. If you are so burnt out and are feeling like juggling all these things isn’t working then take a step back and slow down. Sure have some friends time, sure of course get some exercise in, continue to try to eat healthy and get lots of rest. But remember you are always good enough, take time for yourself and slow down. Take a day off from running and do something fun with your kids, recharge your spirit and soon I’m sure you will be feeling better :)

    1. Thank you so much for this Penny. After I read your comment I did have a think about why I was pushing so hard to do everything and I did take a slight break, or at least not push myself more and more when I honestly was too tired or needed a break. I do think it would feel better if I could get closer to the right balance, but I don’t know now if that is possible.

  4. Oh, honey! The sad part is, this balancing act, the work-home-self-wife-mother-daughter-friend thing that NEVER seems to actually balance? That IS normal. I don’t know of a single person who has it balanced. (Well, maybe MizFit, because we all know she’s SuperWoman, but I bet even she has her moments.) What we think of as “normal,” where people have time for everything we want to do and a perfectly clean house and well behaved children and active social lives and plenty of time for sleep, that doesn’t exist.

    I think the problem is that we want to do everything, and we want to do it all right NOW. Not that I have any answers, but perhaps we just need to expand our timeline a bit and focus on balance over the course of a week, a month, two months, whatever feels manageable to us. We don’t have to go out with our friends twice a week, because that takes a toll on us. Maybe we can have one social night every other week, or every month, or whatever we can handle.

    Of course, this is coming from someone with no social life, no relationships, no workouts, no food logging (or remotely paying attention) … I obviously don’t have it figured out.

  5. I feel like I am CONSTANTLY trying to find the right balance. I am also CONSTANTLY feeling like something is getting left behind. I feel pulled in 76 directions and like nothing I do is good enough.

    You are so not alone. Don’t give up.

    1. Thea, thank you. I was certain I wasn’t the only person who felt like this. but why do we do this to ourselves??

  6. I am in exactly the same place. And I’ve decided that I think the idea of balance? Is total crap. There are ONLY 24 hours in a day, and when you have to sleep 7-8 of them to not be beastly, work 8, commute ___ (fill in the blank, I know your commute is longer than mine!), take care of a kid, be a decent spouse, etc….well, SOMETHING has to give! I think part of why we walk around feeling inadequate is because we have unrealistic expectations. Since when is it “normal” to juggle sleep, commuting, working, family, gym, cooking, cleaning, etc.?? Inevitably when we expect we can do that flawlessly, one or more of the balls we are juggling gets dropped and we feel like a failure.

    I don’t have “the answer” and I doubt there is any one that’s true or works for all of us. But part of what I’ve been trying to do is simply adjust my expectations. There are certain things in my life that are completely non-negotiable. I can’t choose not to work, commute, take care of my daughter, or sleep. Everything else has to fit in during the hours left over from those priorities. And sometimes (like right now) that means my house is a wreck because I spent yesterday cooking. And it also means I’m only getting in 2-3 workouts/week right now. And I am working very, very hard to be okay with that.

    Now that I’ve written a whole book about me (sorry!), here’s what I say to you: You ARE good enough, just as you are. Being good enough has nothing to do with WHAT YOU DO and everything to do with WHO YOU ARE. Try to believe that. Take a step back, adjust your expectations, and be as realistic as you can about what you can accomplish in the limited number of hours we’re given. Realize that you won’t always get everything done, and that doesn’t make you a failure – it makes you human. Also? You are probably WAY harder on yourself than anyone else is on you. For example, when you don’t get to spend as much time with your friends, I’ll bet you are the only one thinking you’re not a good friend. Try to give yourself the grace you would extend to a friend!

    Hang in there.

    1. Valerie, thank you so much. it’s true. I need to adjust my expectations to be a wee bit more realistic.

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