18 August, 2013 Off By Renée

It’s been a while since I’ve written.

I want to preface this by saying I know that there are bigger problems in the world. That even others I know and love have bigger issues than what I have. As much as I try to console myself with this and suck it up and move on, it’s really been a struggle.

Admittedly I was struggling before I even went to Fitbloggin.

I have been struggling actually since after my Half Marathon in April. But I went through the motions, attempting to suck it up and keep on going. Signing up for races, attempting to be positive, initiating challenges (I’m clearly terrible at that, but I tried) but to be honest I’ve just reached a wall that I can’t seem to break through.

Here it is. Pity Party table for one:
I’m sick of trying so hard.
I’m sick of food, in general. Like NOTHING sounds good anymore. I’m sick of eating the same thing over and over.
I’m sick of watching everything I do, everything I eat. Weighing. Measuring. Working out. Staying active.
Nothing changes. Nothing that I can SEE changes, let’s put it that way.

Even Running is letting me down. Well, I know for a fact it’s my negative self talk, not the actual action of running. But it’s not “doing it” for me. It’s not clearing my head or making me feel better. You know, I’ve always said running is my therapy. I can free up my mind and my negative thoughts because most runs are good runs.

Though I’ve made the effort, the runs have been disappointing up until a couple weeks ago. I had a really crappy Sunday run that I mentioned on Facebook and then finally I had 3 runs after that which were really good, but NOT long runs. Last week I didn’t run as much as needed, as far as the training for Lisbon was concerned; on top of feeling like shit because I’m convinced my body is against me, I have a lot of stress going on at work at the moment. a LOT.

I’m still trying, but it’s not 100%. I don’t know how to get out of this funk. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this down, since I started all of this in 2009. I know better than to compare to others, but how do you not when you are absolutely surrounded (because surrounding yourself with those who have similar ideals and goals is supposed to help, right?) by people who are having success?

I’ve heard the argument that even maintaining is a success. Sure. But I’m not maintaining either. No, I’m back up to 83KG.

Boo Freaking Hoo, right? I know.

I’m just really finding it hard to celebrate anything positive right now.

Anyway, I’m not throwing in the towel, because I know I really do need to get my food under control and I want to do that (I just wish I was inspired to do that). So I just really need to do that and stop using stress as an excuse. I’m off work for the next two weeks and in this time am going to come up with a plan to vary my food and have it fit into a plan that is healthy and gets me under 80KG again.

Also, I ordered some blood work (that I paid for myself, independent to my doctor, because she is useless and told me a couple years ago to just accept my weight *rolls eyes*) to see if everything is really OK. One of the tests is also the stress-hormone test (Cortisol). I just need to know if this is really the reason why I can not lose weight (or rather lose weight at a snail’s pace when being VERY STRICT); maybe then I can accept it more than I am accepting it right now.

Life has to go on. I have to train for my races that I signed up for (I’m too stubborn to drop out), I need to keep having a goal in mind… the problem right now is that I’m so overwhelmed with my selfish grief about my body that even a goal isn’t helping.

So I go through the motions, yet another day.

How do you get yourself out of a food/mind/body funk?