You know that saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”? Well guess where I’m heading towards?
I do have good intentions. Most evenings or mornings I prepare my food for the new day. I pack my gym bag. I take very little money with me so I won’t buy any junk. I tell myself, the new day will be different. It will be better. Brighter. I will be less stressed. I will follow my training schedule. I will eat well and drink all of my water. I will get my 10,000 steps.
And lately, the last couple of months, if I’m totally honest have been completely the opposite, with only a few days really being completely how I intend them to be.
Oh and I haven’t weighed myself in weeks because, what’s the point?
But seriously. I’m not eating well. At all. I can go the whole day following the right track and then be working late, have to wait for my train and suddenly i find myself stuffing my face with cookies. Or something. Anything. I’m stressed and unhappy and OBVIOUSLY I AM USING FOOD TO MEDICATE MYSELF.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it once more – I know better than this. I know it doesn’t help. Not even for one second. I have not only been stuffing my face but also skipping my runs and workouts. I know where the unhappiness comes from, though I’m not sure it’s total unhappiness rather more like frustration, stress, feeling roadblocked, feeling unsupported. I am not talking about health and fitness here, I’m talking about the other part of my life that is effecting all other areas… work. This is all stemming from work, wanting to change, feeling stifled, doubted, blocked.
There are days I have all the right intentions… I will go in and I will be positive and I will be zen with all. And not 5 minutes after reading my emails I’m angry again. I could literally cry every day. OF COURSE I KNOW THIS IS NOT GOOD. I need to get it together.
I’m having to dig really, really deep to get control over the situation.
On Friday after postponing my Thursday run, I decided I would run on Friday at lunch. Then on Friday morning I decided I would run after work instead and asked hubs if he would pick me up at 6:30pm so he could pick up my stuff and I would run from the train station to home. Unfortunately, the kids were late due to traffic so he wasn’t able to come and get my bags. I thought “fine. I’m just going home, screw this” (mind you I’d already eaten that cookie that I justified eating because of the run I was going to do). I walked towards the busses and then told myself: “if the bus is there, you can go home. If it’s not, put the stuff in a locker and run around the park anyway”. I got to the bus and it was there and then within a blink of an eye it pulled out to leave. That was my cue.
That was the universe gave me the message, loud and clear.
I was already in my running clothes, since I changed at work. I put my stuff in a locker and I headed out. I needed do do intervals according to my schedule and I tried, I really tried. I wasn’t going so well after 3 attempts at 3 minute sprints, so I decided I was going to run up and down the hills to do a bit of a fartlek type of session instead. It was raining a wee bit. I was starting to feel better. Only 15 minutes prior this was the last thing I wanted to do, but it needed to be done, for ME, for my SANITY.
I ended up with 6 KM. Unbelievable when it was looking like I was going to do 0 KM just an hour earlier.
The one thing I CAN do and should never ever ever give up on is running.
It’s my therapy. It lifts my spirit. It gives me confidence. It makes me feel like maybe, just maybe I undid a little bit of all those cookies the past month (or more). It gives me hope.
I need to get off the road to Hell. I need to turn around and go back to the place where I let nothing break my will, my spirit, my drive and determination.
It’s been months. Have you ever been a rut so long? How do you really ever turn around and get out of it?