Friday Five: Holidays as an Expat/immigrant Edition
Linking up once again with Meranda and Lacey over at Fairytales and Fitness for the Friday Linkup! Check out their blog and others who have dropped their link there. Want to participate? Feel Free! Just don’t forget to visit the other blogs in the linkup and leave a comment! It’s the Christmas Spirit thing to do!
Fairytales and Fitness
As Christmas approaches, I wanted to share a little bit about what it’s like to be away from my birth country this time of year, especially when the internet makes it so easy for me to stay connected to that birth country.
1. Holidays are not the same in my adopted country. Not “better” and not “worse”, just different. It took me a long time to let go of what the holiday “should” look like. There is rarely snow here, there are no drives through the neighborhood to look at lights, there are no luminarias and no one is really as EXCITED about Christmas as people are in my birth country. There is no traditional meal like at home – I suppose there is one, but I’m not aware of anything besides gourmetten; in our case, a lot of times it was (new) mexican food – and believe me you can try to replicate this but you won’t get the same response as you would in your birth country (my kingdom for tamales, my mom’s special burritos she always made for my grandpa and posole). Fun fact: I made posole one year, as in literally cooking all day long to make my Dutch family something special and, let’s just say it didn’t go over well at all. The kids were too young, it was “weird” and while the hubs liked it I’m sure it wasn’t his favorite meal ever.
2. Since making friends is not super easy here (my friends over the years have also been expats, not so much natives, but not for lack of trying), you really don’t get invited for parties or get togethers. In fact, this time of year is pretty much reserved for family or the closest friends you have. As an introverted extrovert it’s fine to not get invited everywhere but on the other hand it kind of sucks and feels pretty lonely. I have the best partner of life in my husband and am not alone by any means (and he really does his best this time of year!) but I’m lonely. The picture-perfect scenes of loved ones coming together to celebrate life, hope and love are not part of my holiday. For this reason I also avoid holiday movies, with the exception of Christmas Vacation.
3. Ron’s family is here, yes, but either they don’t really “do” Christmas with extended family or we don’t get invited. This year, middle brother Chris asked us if we wanted to come over on 2nd Christmas Day, so, hey! that’s something. In most cases of the expat/immigrant you either go “home” for the holidays or you spend the holidays with your partner’s family and that reminds you of how much you would rather be with your own (even when they make you crazy after a few days).
4. I don’t have my own biological children (which is FINE, but then the only person I have to convince of MY traditions is my partner). My stepchildren are Dutch and have their own holiday ideas and ideals instilled in them from their dutch family. In the Netherlands Christmas was extremely low-key when I first moved here twenty-four years ago and Sinterklaas (dec 5th “pakjesavond”) was the thing (and still is, but it’s kind of a controversy – don’t get me started…); I tried incredibly hard to get them to believe in Santa (I was told he was NOT real, only Sinterklaas was real…) and they did for a little while (yay!), we made cookies on Christmas eve, listened to Christmas music and when they would go to bed, Ron and I would put everything under the tree. That worked for a while. But there was still the feeling that *I* was the only one who really wanted all of that happening and I became sad and frustrated so I gave up. Last year I decided at the last minute I wanted my tree up (I think it was the 23rd!) and this year I was fully prepared to do absolutely nothing. Suddenly The Girl asked a few weeks ago if we were going to have dinner together on Christmas Eve (that was the “tradition” I was trying to give them) and last Friday Ron suggested we get a tiny living tree from the Garden Center to have at home. Conclusion: Giving up hope isn’t necessary for your own traditions in your new country but man, you need a LOT of mental and emotional stamina for this. (I won’t tell you about all the years of stress trying to actually have the kids over for Christmas Eve if it didn’t fall on “our” weekend)
5. We don’t do presents at all anymore. We used to, but it was extremely stressful. I’m mostly ok with this. Like 90%! There is 10% of me that misses finding something amazing for my husband, step-daughter or step-son, then wrapping it up and seeing them open it later. I’m super confused about my feelings in this! On the one hand i know you should not give to receive. On the other, I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to do/make or buy something for your immediate family. And it doesn’t even have to be a present for me. What hurts me most is that my husband doesn’t receive anything from his kids. #thereIsaidit I don’t know if this a Dutch thing or what, but I see Dutch people, young and old, shopping for Christmas presents so … Anyway, Ron and I generally don’t do presents for each other because we give all year to each other! We are much more into experiences than things and if I truly need something I’ll get it for myself OR if I can’t afford it at that time, Ron will buy it for me. This is our choice but it’s hard to see all of the “gift-giving” ideas all over the internet this time of year.
Do I want people to feel sorry for me? No. But it can be hard to explain sometimes that I’m just “not into” Christmas like other people are. I have been called a grinch (and call myself that now just so that I’m the first to do it – it softens the blow), I’ve been told to just do Christmas the way I want to anyway (tried that, is disappointing to say the least because I DO have expectations) and I’ve even tried actually going home for Christmas which was so long ago I don’t even know anymore if it filled any empty spaces in my heart. I just was thinking of maybe going back next year but then I don’t want to leave Ron at home and I’m not sure he would really enjoy the Christmas “thing” in my birth country (for people visiting the US, it can be extremely overwhelming on a normal day, let alone the holiday).
I’ve heard from other expats in the opposite situation (European living in US) that they miss this time of year at home too. I think holidays are so engrained in us that it becomes a part of our fabric. So when I miss luminarias and posole and the way the snow looks covering the Sandia mountains, my friend in Chicago (originally from Austria), is missing her holiday traditions at home as well, things she wants to share with her half-Austrian children but is not able to completely replicate in the US.
I wouldn’t give up any part of this life, let me make that clear. But it’s not glamorous and jet-setting (ok sometimes ha!) and I do feel lonely and sad and miss things from home from time to time. I’m human and, moreover, I’m still at least Half American.
Are you a transplant and find yourself also a little lonely this time of year? Are you a grinch? Do you wince at all the shopping that lay ahead of you? Or are you one of those over-the-top-love-everything-about-Christmas-and-start-decorating-the-day-after-thanksgiving people?