22 February, 2011 Off By Renée

I knew I hadn’t written for a while, but I didn’t actually realise just how long until this weekend. I tried to write on the weekend, and now I’m glad I didn’t publish, because, well, it’s not completely what I wanted to say.

I’m not even totally sure what I want to say now.

I’m totally and completely in limbo at the moment.

I’m officially not following Weight Watchers anymore. In fact 5 minutes ago I pressed the button to cancel my membership completely. The one thing that I need to do and have needed to do for months and months now is accept my body the way it is, exactly as it is.

So. No dieting. No counting points. No trying to reach daily limits. It’s all over.

Now what do I do?

I feel lost. I feel stuck somewhere in the middle. I don’t fit into any group now. I want to be excited for friends having success but I can’t help but have a twinge of envy. And don’t think I don’t know that envy is no good for me, I know this, but honestly I’m still a little bitter.

And through all of this, I’m bitter that people I thought were more than just an online contact have dropped me in the mean time, a time when I actually needed support the most. I have been told more than several times to just “get over it” and “don’t take it personally” and actually saying these things don’t help me get over it at all, it makes it worse! We are all different and we all react differently to things. The fact remains that my reaction is taking it personally (not everyone, only specifically a couple of people), and I am not going to apologize for that or pretend like I’m not bothered.

So, I’ve got no new goals. No new plans. I am feeling quite blase about everything. I’m still trying to get my activity in more regularly, but I haven’t even really bothered to stick to a running plan, nor have I gone to the gym. I’m maintaining my weight so clearly I have learned something in this whole eating / Weight Watchers process. I’m just not excited. I guess that means the next thing I need to do for myself is create my own excitement to really move forward.

That’s it. I wish I had something more, but that’s it.