Here we go again

I felt it coming on. That feeling of sadness. Frustration. Anger. I knew it was coming and I *think* I tried to stop it but eventually it washed over me.

That feeling that no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter.

That feeling that no matter how much I think of other good, positive things, the number on the scale eventually makes it’s way into the “importance” section of my brain.

Of course I’ve only given my all for what, a little over a week? Sure, it takes time. I have to be consistent. There’s no way I can judge how things are going if I’m not consistent, right?

But isn’t that what the last two years have been? Or not?

What am I doing wrong?

How many times can I try something different?

How many times can I try something new?

How many times can I switch things up a bit?

I have followed the advise of two dietitians, tried Weight Watchers (again), calorie counted, ditched carbs, added only complex carbs back, changed how and when I eat, used smaller dishes, drank more water, less coffee, less dairy. I even took some supplement that was supposed to keep me from getting hungry (and a friend of mine has something else for me to try from Herbal Life) and that did f*ckall. The only thing I haven’t tried are particular strict diets (though was more than willing to try Dukan, just didn’t want to shell out the money for the book) or juice fasts.

Honestly. What do I have to do?

Yesterday Hubs said to me “2 more years of this and then you are going to start living”. I thought, “my G*d! If I have to go two more years LIKE THIS I definitely will go off the deep end!” I challenged him and asked him why he assumed I wasn’t “living” now. Basically he said because it makes me so unhappy. He’s right.

Maybe I need to start living again now. Why should I wait until I’m 45? What sort of age is that? Why don’t I deserve to live now?

I just have no idea how to stop thinking about it ALL THE TIME. It’s consuming. It really does become an obsession after so long. I don’t recall ever feeling this frustrated when I was actually losing weight. That’s probably because when you see results on the scale (you can try as much as you want to “not care” what the scale says) it propels you further, it gives you the strength and motivation to keep going.

I understand and have experienced maintenance before and I know this is exactly what it’s like to be in that phase. Problem is, I’m in that phase when actually the number needs to go down a bit more.
Why “needs”?

It’s not the magic number. I think I may have mentioned several times before –I don’t want to be “skinny”. I don’t even need to be the weight that the charts tell me I should be. I know how I FEEL at 70-72 KG and I felt good then. Fit, healthy, not blobby or uncomfortable. Things were more in place. Tighter. It’s not just a number you see? It’s the feeling.

Yesterday I did what I always end up doing. I just thought “screw this” and had a chocolate muffin. Then later I had a biscuit. Then later I was in Starbucks, waiting for my train home and I thought “yeah I’m just going to shove a caramel brownie down my neck since it doesn’t really matter.” I got a coffee and a chocolate coin instead. It didn’t make me feel better (same result as always).

So. Here we go again. Another attempt at another day in another year at the same place I was before.

11 thoughts on “Here we go again

  1. I don’t have a lot of advice to offer other than life is a journey, not a destination, so it is up to you to decide how much of your life you are going to let this one pursuit take up. As long as, at the end of the day, you are satisfied that this is where you are putting so much of your energy, so be it. But if that is in conflict with how you want to live your life, then you have to deal with the underlying issue of why you’ve allowed this to take front and center stage. I dare say, this is not about losing weight any longer.

    I’ll leave you with a Japanese proverb that I recite to myself at challenging times:
    “Fall down seven times, get up eight”.

    1. Thank you for this. It really isn’t about losing weight anymore. Clearly it’s not yet I’ve been fighting for a long time. There’s a difference between “giving up” and “moving on”. Thanks for putting the thoughts in my head!

  2. A while back I wrote a post that asked what the whole point of losing weight is. The point is to be happy with ourselves, our bodies, our lives, right? To be HAPPY.

    Is stressing about my weight, obsessing over it, beating myself up because I ate the stupid cookie, is that making me happy? NO.

    So why? Why put ourselves through it?

    I think the question is, why do we think we need to lose weight to be happy? If it’s that feeling you want, is there anything else you can do to get that feeling that has nothing to do with losing weight?

    Moreover, what will your life be like if you don’t lose weight? Can you be happy with that?

    1. Great comment Elisha! And I’m pretty sure I read that post of yours. Honestly, I need to get to that place – it always goes back to acceptance and then doing what makes me feel good and happy rather than trying to obtain something that just isn’t there (at that moment). Thanks for reminding me.

    1. Thanks Karen. I have been thinking about it for days and I honestly think it’s time to forget about losing weight. 80-82KG isn’t that bad and I have a very good fitness level. Also, almost 6 years ago I was 101KG so really, in the long-term scope of things, it’s really OK.

  3. I always feel miserable when I’m above 67kg (highest ever was 90kg and now I fluctuate between 63 and 67). I only started to lose weight when I stopped obsessing about it and when I stopped comfort eating (which was a lot easier to do when I stopped obsessing and being miserable about my weight). I also started eating exactly what I wanted, whenever I wanted it. That also stopped the cravings and obsessing about my next meal. It took a lot of time (and some Prozac ;-) – for about six months until I broke my really bad habits… Hope this helps see some light at the end of the tunnel? I promise, giving up obsessing about weight really works with some patience :-)

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