It’s been a while since I’ve written.
I want to preface this by saying I know that there are bigger problems in the world. That even others I know and love have bigger issues than what I have. As much as I try to console myself with this and suck it up and move on, it’s really been a struggle.
Admittedly I was struggling before I even went to Fitbloggin.
I have been struggling actually since after my Half Marathon in April. But I went through the motions, attempting to suck it up and keep on going. Signing up for races, attempting to be positive, initiating challenges (I’m clearly terrible at that, but I tried) but to be honest I’ve just reached a wall that I can’t seem to break through.
Here it is. Pity Party table for one:
I’m sick of trying so hard.
I’m sick of food, in general. Like NOTHING sounds good anymore. I’m sick of eating the same thing over and over.
I’m sick of watching everything I do, everything I eat. Weighing. Measuring. Working out. Staying active.
Nothing changes. Nothing that I can SEE changes, let’s put it that way.
Even Running is letting me down. Well, I know for a fact it’s my negative self talk, not the actual action of running. But it’s not “doing it” for me. It’s not clearing my head or making me feel better. You know, I’ve always said running is my therapy. I can free up my mind and my negative thoughts because most runs are good runs.
Though I’ve made the effort, the runs have been disappointing up until a couple weeks ago. I had a really crappy Sunday run that I mentioned on Facebook and then finally I had 3 runs after that which were really good, but NOT long runs. Last week I didn’t run as much as needed, as far as the training for Lisbon was concerned; on top of feeling like shit because I’m convinced my body is against me, I have a lot of stress going on at work at the moment. a LOT.
I’m still trying, but it’s not 100%. I don’t know how to get out of this funk. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this down, since I started all of this in 2009. I know better than to compare to others, but how do you not when you are absolutely surrounded (because surrounding yourself with those who have similar ideals and goals is supposed to help, right?) by people who are having success?
I’ve heard the argument that even maintaining is a success. Sure. But I’m not maintaining either. No, I’m back up to 83KG.
Boo Freaking Hoo, right? I know.
I’m just really finding it hard to celebrate anything positive right now.
Anyway, I’m not throwing in the towel, because I know I really do need to get my food under control and I want to do that (I just wish I was inspired to do that). So I just really need to do that and stop using stress as an excuse. I’m off work for the next two weeks and in this time am going to come up with a plan to vary my food and have it fit into a plan that is healthy and gets me under 80KG again.
Also, I ordered some blood work (that I paid for myself, independent to my doctor, because she is useless and told me a couple years ago to just accept my weight *rolls eyes*) to see if everything is really OK. One of the tests is also the stress-hormone test (Cortisol). I just need to know if this is really the reason why I can not lose weight (or rather lose weight at a snail’s pace when being VERY STRICT); maybe then I can accept it more than I am accepting it right now.
Life has to go on. I have to train for my races that I signed up for (I’m too stubborn to drop out), I need to keep having a goal in mind… the problem right now is that I’m so overwhelmed with my selfish grief about my body that even a goal isn’t helping.
So I go through the motions, yet another day.
How do you get yourself out of a food/mind/body funk?
I totally have been where you are right now, again and again. I have to reconnect with something that made me feel good, which motivated me, re read a book or something that got you started. Make a plan. Structure your life to get you back to it and then it becomes more organic over time. Most of all, just keep doing it until you love it again, even a scaled back version.
Most importantly, care about yourself and make judgements within that.
I just got back from a run and had a little chat with myself. What my alternatives are. What the reason was that I came to love running in the first place. What my achievements were. How I don’t want to be that person anymore that just says “screw it” every time I’m overwhelmed or stressed. it was like a little reboot.
Thank you so much for your words, really appreciate it!
Sorry, you are going through this, Pinky.
It’s not easy, I keep going through the same phase of struggling myself for different reasons but the factors, that play around it are the same – negative mind talk, stress and pressure I put in myself when I see how others are progressing or (seemingly) succeeding.
But I think from reading this post, that you are in a breakthrough. It usually is in my case when I put all that is balled up inside me in words; sooner or later a pivotal change comes into play. Perhaps it won’t be a huge one but a small one that you could build up on again.
Hopefully, the blood results will help you move forward.
Would love to see you again, even if only for a short drink together like we shared in Arnhem last year when we picked up our bibs for the Bridge to Bridge.
(big hugs!)
thank you so much J. would love to see you again too. are you running Arnhem this year?
Renee, first let me say, I love you and I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. You have been one of my biggest inspirations in so many ways. You are the person who started pushing me when I was beginning to think about trying to lose weight, you were the first person to help me by introducing me to weight watchers, you have inspired me with your work ethic and how incredibly you have integrated here in the Netherlands. You have been a hero to me in so many ways and I’m so sorry you are having a rough time.
As you know, I understand your feelings of frustration. That feeling that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, that that THING you so desperately want is just outside your reach. I really really do. Also the feeling of being surrounded by people who are lucky enough to have achieved it and enjoy it. Different areas of life, of course, but the same concept. So for that I definitely feel for you and know how hard that can be.
You can’t compare your pain to others, though, it’s yours and it’s real. Yes, ok we could all say that there is someone out there going through something more difficult. Some days I feel like what I’m going through is the hardest thing in the world, but then I look at Susan who is in and out of the hospital, in horrible pain and no closer to knowing what is wrong… or remembering people like Suzie who have faced or are facing really scary shit like Cancer, and my situation pales in comparison. Does that make my pain any less real or diminish what I am going through, no. It’s real to me because I’m living it every day… and so is yours. Just because other people are going through something, doesn’t mean it minimizes what you are going through. It’s different people, different lives, different situations but the pain is the same because it’s people not getting to live the lives they want for themselves and that hurts straight across the board.
I’m glad you aren’t giving up, but I never really imagined for a minute that you would. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met and this post is an example of that. Sharing your pain, processing it and figuring out where to go to change it… that’s strength.
How do I get myself out of a mind / body funk? Yeah, I dunno… I’m the queen of distraction and avoidance. I marathon watch TV shows, read endlessly, craft, and arse around online. Not the most constructive of coping methods but when I am in a funk I don’t feel particularly social and my situation and the medications leave me tapped of a lot of mental and physical energy.
You will rebound from this, and I think having some holiday time is going to make a big difference for you… please allow yourself time to relax and have some down time. I know your instinct is to do more more more but maybe what you need is a little less less less, know what I mean?
Thinking of you and I’m always here for you. Even if I seem distracted with my own shit, that doesn’t matter, just reach out, I’ll be here!! xx
Thank you so much Tammy. You made me cry again!!!!
I know you are right. Pretty much dead on about everything.
xxxxxxx
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this…I’m not really sure what to say about the food issue, but with regards to the exercising I would say that maybe it’s time to shake your training schedule up a little bit by throwing something unexpected into it.
I recently came back to running after getting adult chicken pox and then a pretty annoying case of a post-viral infection. Running was just not working for me, every session was painful. All of the work I had put into my running prior to the chicken pox was basically thrown out. There were many crying sessions with my husband. Then I discovered Bikram yoga.
I’m not saying it’s a miracle cure, or anything of the sort, but by having to breathe (and exercise) in 40C+ temperatures for 90 minutes, my body just kind of re-booted itself, and now breathing whilst running is so much easier – making the activity itself easier. I often go into class grumpy (public transportation, work issues, etc.), and come out in a very good mood…even my husband’s noticed!
I’m sorry that this is a solution-based comment (as opposed to a listening based one)!
I hope you feel better really soon, and that you’re able to find the balance you need.
Hugs,
Paula
Oh Paula, a solution based comment is perfectly ok! Thank you so much for your reply!
I am somewhat limited with time. I would love to do Bikram for example, but if I chose to run or do races that I need to train for, any of my spare time is for running or cross training. I commute 4 hours + each workday to and from work leaving me a window of around 3 hours each night to train/eat/socialise/do nothing/do housework/etc. Until now I just haven’t found a way to work in anything else. Perhaps it’s time to try and figure that out.
thank you again for your reply and for stopping by!
I accept that I am going to have bad moments, but I time limit them. Otherwise I get stuck in the mindset. And the mindset does not put me on the path to the healthy place I need for my mind and body.
I also take time each day to notice and be thankful for a small thing. The heat reflecting off a building window. A random weed that has a flower at its tip. The colour of the morning sky. Finding one good thing to stop and appreciate helps turn my mood around.
how do you time limit them Donna?
this is exactly my problem. Normally I can nip these feelings in the bud but I’m just not seeming to be able to do that this time.
I feel you lady! I’m in a funk right now too, i’m tired of tracking my life away but i do it anyway to stay self-aware. i want to blame the fact that i’m not doing WW anymore for gaining weight but my foods haven’t changed all that much, just my behavior. all in all, i’m feeling pretty blah about it. i don’t want to stop trying or caring that i want to/need to lose weight but i’m kind of like in idle mode right now and don’t really care either way. here’s to funk-busting!
isn’t it so odd that caring and trying to do something that is the right thing to do can get so blah sometimes?
I mean why don’t we feel this way about relationships? Going to work? Brushing our teeth even? Those are pretty normal things to give a crap about, right? :) Why is it so challenging for us to care about ourselves and NOT get bored or feel blah when it is just really the RIGHT thing to do? We shouldn’t even give it a second thought!!
I think it is really important to let yourself have low feelings. To allow yourself to feel frustrated. Don’t get me wrong on that one. Goodness knows I get really frustrated by the hand of cards I have been dealt.
What I mean by setting a time limit is just that. I give myself permission to dwell, to cry, to feel. But I set a date, for myself to move on. Like with my recent London Triathlon failure. It happened on Sunday and I gave myself until Wednesday to just feel miserable. Then on Wednesday I told myself it was the day to get back, get moving, and to start making some new goals. I didn’t abandon the feeling of sadness and failure, but instead I focused on doing a new thing, taking the next steps.
I love the advice others have posted about giving yourself a break, pausing and resetting things, trying some new things, shaking up routines. Maybe part of that shakeup is to get rid of the sense of tedium that comes from measuring and logging for a while – to give yourself a break from it for a week or two, alongside of doing something that will make you feel happy, things you love like riding on the dykes or running with Mr Handsome.
I can’t say I have the answers, or even any great insightful tips. But I want you to know that I have been there too, deeply frustrated with my lot. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I am confident you can find it. And posts like these are a part of that process, that I am sure of. Thanks for sharing where you are with things, I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from you in a while!
Allow yourself to wallow. It’s really o.k. I have found (for me) that It’s in the wallowing that you really take a look at what isn’t working. If you’re bored and feeling blah, change something. New route? New recipe? New challenge? New activity? New song? No tracking? No weighing? Shake things up a bit somehow.
And remember that even though the nitty gritty is seeming EXTRA GRITTY lately, that in the grand scheme of life, you’re doing just fine.