You know that saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”? Well guess where I’m heading towards?
I do have good intentions. Most evenings or mornings I prepare my food for the new day. I pack my gym bag. I take very little money with me so I won’t buy any junk. I tell myself, the new day will be different. It will be better. Brighter. I will be less stressed. I will follow my training schedule. I will eat well and drink all of my water. I will get my 10,000 steps.
And lately, the last couple of months, if I’m totally honest have been completely the opposite, with only a few days really being completely how I intend them to be.
Oh and I haven’t weighed myself in weeks because, what’s the point?
But seriously. I’m not eating well. At all. I can go the whole day following the right track and then be working late, have to wait for my train and suddenly i find myself stuffing my face with cookies. Or something. Anything. I’m stressed and unhappy and OBVIOUSLY I AM USING FOOD TO MEDICATE MYSELF.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it once more – I know better than this. I know it doesn’t help. Not even for one second. I have not only been stuffing my face but also skipping my runs and workouts. I know where the unhappiness comes from, though I’m not sure it’s total unhappiness rather more like frustration, stress, feeling roadblocked, feeling unsupported. I am not talking about health and fitness here, I’m talking about the other part of my life that is effecting all other areas… work. This is all stemming from work, wanting to change, feeling stifled, doubted, blocked.
There are days I have all the right intentions… I will go in and I will be positive and I will be zen with all. And not 5 minutes after reading my emails I’m angry again. I could literally cry every day. OF COURSE I KNOW THIS IS NOT GOOD. I need to get it together.
I’m having to dig really, really deep to get control over the situation.
On Friday after postponing my Thursday run, I decided I would run on Friday at lunch. Then on Friday morning I decided I would run after work instead and asked hubs if he would pick me up at 6:30pm so he could pick up my stuff and I would run from the train station to home. Unfortunately, the kids were late due to traffic so he wasn’t able to come and get my bags. I thought “fine. I’m just going home, screw this” (mind you I’d already eaten that cookie that I justified eating because of the run I was going to do). I walked towards the busses and then told myself: “if the bus is there, you can go home. If it’s not, put the stuff in a locker and run around the park anyway”. I got to the bus and it was there and then within a blink of an eye it pulled out to leave. That was my cue.
That was the universe gave me the message, loud and clear.
I was already in my running clothes, since I changed at work. I put my stuff in a locker and I headed out. I needed do do intervals according to my schedule and I tried, I really tried. I wasn’t going so well after 3 attempts at 3 minute sprints, so I decided I was going to run up and down the hills to do a bit of a fartlek type of session instead. It was raining a wee bit. I was starting to feel better. Only 15 minutes prior this was the last thing I wanted to do, but it needed to be done, for ME, for my SANITY.
I ended up with 6 KM. Unbelievable when it was looking like I was going to do 0 KM just an hour earlier.
The one thing I CAN do and should never ever ever give up on is running.
It’s my therapy. It lifts my spirit. It gives me confidence. It makes me feel like maybe, just maybe I undid a little bit of all those cookies the past month (or more). It gives me hope.
I need to get off the road to Hell. I need to turn around and go back to the place where I let nothing break my will, my spirit, my drive and determination.
It’s been months. Have you ever been a rut so long? How do you really ever turn around and get out of it?
First off: <3 Boy howdy, do I ever know how you feel. But I'm glad you got out on your run, and that it made you feel better. That's the good thing about exercise, ain't it? You don't feel like doing it, but afterwards you feel awesome, like you can climb to the summit of the world.
Re: the food and self-medicating etc, again, I know exactly how you feel. Annoyingly, although I feel like I'm not overeating, I know fine well that I'm not eating what I should be. I have days where I eat three bowls of cereal because I can’t be bothered cooking. Or I eat junk food instead of a meal. Because I’m bored and it’s cold and rainy and I don’t want to go out, but I’m doing my classes so it’s totally all right. If there’s one thing I should have learned at Weight Watchers, it should be that one does not eat their exercise points before doing the exercise.
But it never quite works like that, does it?
*hugs*
Here’s hoping you find your non-paved-with-good-intentions path a little bit better to walk. :)
Tracy, you are the most awesome person on Earth. Wish you didn’t live so far away, wouldn’t it be awesome to hug out these situations in person?
thank you for understanding me xxxx
Sometimes one good run can just bring everything back to happy (or at least happier). I’ve had those weeks at work where you really, really just don’t want to go anymore, it sucks. I hope things start looking up for you soon and the mojo comes back.
thanks hon. it has just been going on too long. I do hope this whole sadness, stress thing goes away soon too.
I love the confidence I get from a good run. I’m so glad that bus pulled away and you were able to get it done.
Maybe some baby steps are in order. Keep up the running, don’t beat yourself up about the food just yet. Let the happy running place pull you out of where you are and let you see where you need to go.
Keep it up, don’t give up.
thank you Carrie. it is true, especially when I have a few good runs then the confidence comes back. I also find a few days logging my food and saying no to junk and not giving in also brings it back.
Hugs. Been in one for a long time too, and it sucks and makes me cranky as hell. I just attempt to not give up. I know I’m not giving it my all right now, but I feel at least I’m giving it something. The fact that I can’t give up completely, means changed has happened in the past 8 years.
that is something. I think about “giving up” but actually I know I couldn’t do that completely. We HAVE changed, but man, why does some of this take so long and so much energy? hugs back to you Penny xx
Thanks for this wonderful post! Nice work on digging deep and getting it done!! There are always so many ways to talk ourselves out of stuff, but then when we do them, we feel awesome. Why is that so hard!?!?
I really appreciated this post. I’ve been struggling myself for the past couple of months due to stressors in my life. Why is it that food/exercise is always the first to go when we all know it’s the best healer? Eating and drinking to sooth is temporary and it always brings guilt and regret instead of comfort. Yet, we still do it. After years of dealing with weight issues, and long periods of time of achieving overall success, I still can’t crack this code. Like you, I’m flailing right now and I can’t seem to get myself back to where I want to be habit-wise. If you’re ever looking for someone to do some accountability check-ins with, please let me know. I’m up for it!
Keep at it and have a good week!
Heather! I am so sorry you are going through this too. That’s exactly it… no matter what we do or how long there sucess and the control is there, we still haven’t cracked the code!! does anyone, ever? is this how life is going to be?
One of the things I really miss is accountability. Long, long ago I had Weight Watchers, I had my Yahoo group (where I met the amazing and loverly Elsje), I had OLU (which I’m completely off now) and it definitely helped. So yeah, if you need that too, then I’m up for it as well!
Your amazing! I miss you! :)
oh I miss you too Dani xxxx
Yes – I miss the OLU groups quite a bit as well as WW. However, once I learned more about nutrition, I don’t believe in restricting to 1200 calories (or less) and the pure “how much did you lose” as the main or only gauge of success. I think that’s where I’m struggling. I’m trying to stay off the scale and go by looks/measurements/overall nutrition. So, I’m not really sure how to gauge accountability. If you have ideas or want to set up a weekly email/PM check in, just let me know your thoughts. My email is below or via FB works :)
this is why I struggle a lot with WW, even though I decided to try it again in September. It doesn’t have the relevance it had before. I know so much more now and find it frustrating that things I think should be in the database for example, are not in there. It’s all about packing in the most “food” with the least points. I don’t need help with my fruits and veg. I need balance for sure but I don’t think I’ll get that from WW moreso than any where else…
it’s tough. we really are in similar spots.
Renée, I remember you writing once that the running was what made you more aware of your body and what you were putting into it. So I agree completely with what Carrie says. Lose the guilt about the food and go back and read some of your own blog posts / Facebook posts about how much you enjoyed running in the winter last year. Maybe you can inspire yourself like you’re inspiring us! And maybe I should go running with you, then you’d realise that you’re very far from being a beginner. Anybody with your schedule would use that as an excuse not to exercise and to comfort eat, but you load the guilt on yourself as if it’s your fault that you’re stressed. It’s not your fault at all. Get angry at the people and things which are causing you the stress, not at yourself.
oh Sarah, thank you so much for the reminder. you are so right. and you are right that this stress I have is not my fault. I am going to stop punishing myself. xxx
Glad I found your blog. It’s always nice to know that you’re not the only person who struggles with stuff like this.
I’ve made a commitment to myself that I will at least put in 5 minutes of exercise. If I still don’t want to do it, I stop. Usually, all it take is getting out there though, and I want to keep going.
As far as food, for me it’s taking one meal — heck, one bite — at a time. I get overwhelmed when I think about having to be perfect forever. (I know that’s an exaggeration.) I used to throw a whole day if I ate something I shouldn’t, even though logically I realize how stupid that is. So now, I focus on one meal at a time. If I eat something I shouldn’t, I just get right back on the path with my next bite.
Hugs to you! Struggling with work stuff is hard. I hope it gets better soon. I’ll be following your progress. :)
HI Kimberly
sorry it took me so long to post your comment! I didn’t have any notification that you comment was pending and clearly I’ve been avoiding my blog like it’s the plague or something. Thank you so much for your response. hugs back to you – we just gotta keep on going, right?
I have totally been in your situation… where you use food to battle stress caused by work. Is there an opportunity to find a new job? If not, try to put your work in a box. Don’t let it affect you once you walk out that door. It takes a lot of time and patience to do this, but it is SO worth it. No job should dictate our happiness or what we do outside of work. You will get through this and you will find your love for running/eating right/etc. again. In the meantime, take it one day at a time and make small changes to your day to get back on track.