Ugh.

That pretty much describes how I’m feeling at the moment. Either “ugh” or “argh!!”.

So much happening and I’m feeling very overwhelmed. Breathe in, breathe out, it’s all I can do right?

The weather is not helping either. Seriously, it’s so dark so early and the wind and rain have been awful. Not all of this month but November in general has not been dry. I guess we just need to accept that this is fall/ beginning of winter in the Netherlands.

So, what’s been happening?

Weight

Ugh. Honestly. I can’t get it together. And I don’t know if it’s just the time of year (so many temptations), or if it’s stress or if I’m once again with fighting so hard to just be at a “normal” weight. I’m tired, you know? It’s a luxury problem, isn’t it? I’m only “slightly” overweight, I’m fit in general, I have money to buy good, proper, healthy food so what am I bitching about? I never imagined it would take me so frigging long to get my crap together. But here I am… 8 years later… 8 years and still not back at goal weight yet. In fact, I’m back up to 74KG last time I dared to check. Every day I start with good intentions. Hmmm. Maybe tomorrow I will do it.

Running

Ugh. I’m burnt out from all the running yet I miss it when I don’t run. I have no schedule so I’m restless and at the same time am feeling very lazy. I’m trying to get to the gym. I’ve been to the new gym quite a few times. I want to do more cross training again. I felt stronger and fitter last winter/spring. I’m just lacking in the motivation department. I don’t even know if a giant kick up the backside would help me right now. I need energy and drive again. Funny thing is, I AM still running. I participated in 2 races this month, the Zevenheuvelenloop and the Horaloop. The 7HL was actually even a really perfect race for me – it was my fastest 7HL and from the 3 sets of 5KM (it was 15KM) I had negative splits! Me! negative splits on a hilly course. So it’s not like it’s NOT going well, it’s just that I am not “feeling” it at the moment. At the Horaloop I actually ran the 10Miles portion of the race and then discovered later that I was only signed up for the 10KM! WHO DOES THAT?? Honestly!! I will start training again for the Paris Marathon in April – maybe then my drive will be back (when I’m training… NOT at the actual race!)?

I love when I can run with friends though – that definitely gives me energy. When I run with Meeús and see Eva, Udjen and Joanna and of course Babette! Maybe my lack of motivation the rest of the time comes from feeling so alone?

School

ARGH!! Oh my gosh it is so hard! Sometimes I really wonder what I’ve gotten myself into. Does everyone feel like that who goes back to school? It’s just hard!! so much to learn in such a short amount of time. And I have to practise as well as study! but how do I do that?? How do I know I’m doing it right?? I know eventually it will feel easier (right????) or at least better (right????) and I also know that I can not and will not give up. That’s a given. Because 1) I have to pay for it regardless and 2) I suppose I’m rather stubborn about some things. So, I plow on. (school is one of the reasons I really don’t have time to write much)

Work

It’s all good. I’m just so very glad and relieved I am not a team lead anymore. I feel good and comfortable and really like my team. My manager is nice and my whole department is just so professional and kind and friendly and willing to help. I should mention I’m also enrolled in a course for work. That does add to my general stress level but it adds no pressure on my role at this very moment. They want me to do the course, so I’m given the time to do the pre-work as needed. Can’t complain.

oh, and in case you didn’t already know… I got the tattoo! my first marathon forever with me on my right leg!