Wait. What?
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If this is not a weight loss blog than what am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?
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I started this blog so I wouldn’t bog down my “normal everyday life” blog with weight loss stuff. And now? I rarely blog on the other site because this whole quest for health seems to have taken over my life.
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I AM only about weight loss stuff. And I don’t like that very much.
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To be fair I don’t have loads of time for much else and well, let’s face it, sometimes life just gets a wee bit boring in a steady pace and not a lot happens outside the norm.
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The “norm” – wake up, get ready, commute, work, deal with stress, commute, eat something, work in some form of exercise, sleep, rinse repeat.
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This weight loss stuff is also pretty boring.
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And yeah, there hasn’t been any weight loss so I’m kind of even a fraud! *gasp*
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Or not?
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Nah, I am just a girl trying to figure this stuff out. For years I had it in my head that I had to be “doing something” for life to be exciting. This is why, my dear friends, I had problems with commitment and a slight issue spending money (ha! slight.) constantly trying to find that excitement in my life. Friends, social engagements, last minute trips, buying things I couldn’t afford. All to fill up some space somewhere that was empty.
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The emptiness? That was me. So who am I now? Because I’m most certainly not empty. I’ve grown up. Learned from mistakes (still suffering some consequences, but ok). And now life is boring.
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I’m trying to work out if perfecting myself is going to make things more exciting. Suddenly I’ll have all those social engagements again. I’ll have less commuting. More friends. And I’ll look fabulous in my clothes. Hmmm. No, I think not.
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Because I have to go much deeper than that. At the risk of sounding way to philosophical for a Saturday morning, I’m pretty sure that part of this NON weight loss thing has something to do with my brain as well.
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I read blogs that are inspirational, that offer deep insights or even just tips and tricks to get you in the right mindset and I think to myself “But I do that already!” Because mostly, I do.
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I have to tell you, 90% of the time I do not eat crap. I eat natural foods, I cook with fresh ingredients, use good fats, seek out alternatives to animal protein, watch my portions (I still weigh and measure almost everything). I do not eat processed foods. I look at my labels and I won’t buy things that have 70 listed ingredients, 65 of which I can not pronounce. I can spend hours in a health food shop just reading labels and opening myself up to try new things. Anything in the name of good health.
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I watch people all around me (virtually of course) losing weight regularly, who frankly DO eat crap (or whatever you want to call it – I know this stuff tastes good, but there is no added value; crisps/chips, chocolate, sweets, fast food) and they lose weight. They reach mini-goals, milestones, even their own personal goal weight. I know, that’s them, that is not me. I get that and it’s ok.
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But can you understand it makes it more and more difficult to believe that I will be there too one day. Maybe. I accept that I am how I am right now. In fact, I was walking home the other day thinking “It’s not so bad. Two years ago you were miserable, smoking, drinking a lot, eating nothing but crap on a regular basis. You were not a runner. You were not anything really. And now? 80 kilos. That’s really GOOD. You are healthy, fit, feeling more and more confident.” The part of my brain that likes to belittle me has nothing to do with that acceptance. It wants to niggle at me every single time I read about others great success. Nice huh? Maybe I can get a lobotomy for just that part?
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So, yeah. This is not a weight loss blog. There is no weight loss going on here people. Pack up your bags and look for inspiration elsewhere. I’m not ever going to exclaim about my great loss on the scale week after week even though I drank two bottles of wine on a Friday night and ate pizza and KFC all in the same weekend. (which by the way, NEVER KFC thanks to Salmonella poisoning from the KFC at Howard Street near the El in Chicago in 1987). You will not be inspired by my kilo of fruit and vegetables that I nearly every single day, or the Friday night I fell asleep on the couch by 10:15 because I was so exhausted and opted to be horizontal instead of going to the gym.
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You may however be inspired by my determination to never, ever, give up this fight. This will go on to the finish. And we all know, weight loss is the easy part, but it’s never really “finished”. Anyone can lose weight. How many can keep it off? I couldn’t though I gave it a good shot. I can tell you right now though, if this takes me the rest of my life I swear I will still be on a quest to be the best healthy self that I can be.
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This is just my life. A part of it. But a “weight loss” blog? Not so much.
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I adore you … just so you know.
Oh Karen *muah* !! xx
Wow, what a post! Sounds like you are doing some serious reflection right now… it can be frustrating when you cant work out why your not losing weight… have you tried sharing your tracker with your leader?
Hey Sarah
I have definitely shared my tracker with my leader, but I don’t go to meetings very often actually, I usually just follow online (this is because of my home-work-commuting situation). I’ve tweeked a few times and followed her advise in many areas. The last time I talked to her, she was completely stumped but told me to forget about the 29 dailys and just add 7 extra on the days that I was running (this summer I was up to 30KM per week). I don’t find that the program takes into account a persons activity level, rather just age, weight now, and gender. So this is where I take issue. I had / have the feeling that I was too active to fit into the program. This is why I’ve gone to a dietitian.
Here here! I think that there are a myriad of ways to be an inspiration. And sure, losing a ton o’ weight quickly is one of them. But for my money? Keeping off what you’ve lost…doing the work day-in and day-out…STAYING COMMITTED even if this journey isn’t what you’d planned or hoped? THAT is true inspiration.
Keep on keepin’ on, friend!
Wow, thanks Valerie!
Losing weight isn’t the hardest part, keeping it off, that’s difficult. The past year I’ve seen two co-workers lose weight fast and a lot and yes I’ve been jealous from time to time. But now a year later they are back at their old weight, maybe even more, while I’ve lost a bit more very slowly.
My life is boring too but I like it, I’m happy and do things I like. I’m not a person who has to have a lot of people around her all the time, I prefer the one on one contacts. Speaking of that: how about making it a lunch date on a Saturday or Sunday? Utrecht sounds perfect for that.
You are doing great, maybe your loss isn’t going that fast but just keep doing what you are doing and one day you’ll get there and if not you might want to reconsider if this is a weight that’s a weight for you and suits you.
I totally agree! And I suppose in that respect I should be happy that I’ve kept off around 18KG in the last year. So maybe I didn’t lose, but I didn’t gain it back either. and I too see colleagues constantly up and down and I know exactly why it happens – they go back to the “old” way, which is the way that got them to the weight gain in the first place!
I have definitely learned over the years that where friends are concerned, it’s quality not quantity. That was a hard lesson, but I’m glad I went through it. And yes I would love a lunch date! My weekends are more open after next so tell me when it might be better for you. Maybe we could combine it with some Sinterklaas or Christmas shopping?
Thanks Fran, it means a lot – and I have thought that maybe this is where I am suppose to be, but I have a hard time with that, because it’s still technically “overweight”. I have mentioned it to the Dietitian though and she did say that we shouldn’t give up the fight just yet.