11 April, 2011 Off By Renée

My brain is against me lately.

Not just with regards to my body, with everything. It was an emotional week for me to say the least. I was headhunted again and this time for a company very close to where I am living now. But after a lot of thought and consideration, leaving the company I am at now is, in my opinion, worse than my commute of four hours a week. So once again I then had discussions with my husband about the possibilities of moving and rethinking about the reasons why we weren’t able to move before (which will probably be the reason why we still won’t be able to – and it’s purely financial). I had a lot of discussions about it, cried quite a few tears and felt generally down and confused about my life in general.

With regards to my body, it’s a constant battle. I’ve had to accept that I’m not going to lose weight and move on, eating and behaving like a person who actually cares about health and fitness, not weight. That’s the least difficult of all of this. I know how to eat. I know how to move. I even amazingly have learned how to say “no thanks” or even know when to stop.

But “feeling” my body – I don’t like it. I don’t like how it feels when I’m running for example. There’s a heaviness that holds me back, this proverbial spare tire (which mine is like one of those Monster Truck wheels it seems) that is always there, feeling heavy, jiggling about.

It’s the feeling when I put on my new jeans which are too big in the waist just so they fit the hips and bum

Last week I even started out Monday morning by declaring to my husband that I was just going to have liposuction/sculpture. Trust me, I’m the last person to go for a “quick fix” but this is how desperate I feel at times.

This is just it.

And I’ll never be better. I’ll never be faster. I’ll never be able to run without feeling the heaviness.

I mean, yes, this is a luxury problem. Some people can’t even walk, let alone run. I don’t need to be faster or better, it’s not a requirement to just get out there and do it. My brain wants me to do more, better, faster.

My brain is busy telling me over and over again “you’ll never be any better than this” “why even bother?” “you are going to fail” “you could never run a marathon” “that was stupid, signing up for a half-marathon”

I don’t know where this is coming from. Do I really believe so little in myself? I guess if I fail in the weight loss department, what makes me think that I could succeed in any other area.

Yesterday I knew I needed to go out and get around 16KM since I haven’t really trained according to schedule for the Half-Marathon taking place on April 25th, but the thought of getting out there was driving me completely insane. Like, to the point where I would have rather just curled up in a ball and cried. First I struggled with finding a route (because I didn’t want to get bored with the same routine), then I struggled getting dressed, then I struggled just leaving the house, then I arrived at my destination ready to face it only suddenly I had a full bladder. Then I had to get back in the car and find somewhere to use the facilities. Finally at 4pm I started.

About 8 kilometers in, my brain started to turn on me again. “You are never going to make 16KM today” “you should drop out of the half-marathon, you’ll never manage it” “that was stupid to even think you could accomplish this today”.

And I’m yelling at myself to shut up. That I CAN do it. I just have to keep going. I just have to make it to that next tree/ km marker/ bend in the path. There was a lot of arguing going on.

Ultimately I gave in to the voice. I stopped at nearly 13KM but I still had to walk the rest of the way back. Feeling defeated.

Sometimes I really wonder why I do this. I mean there are days I absolutely love it. Days I don’t care about the chubbiness. Days I don’t care about speed or distance. Days I’m inspired by others to get out there and just do it. I know it makes me feel good and like I accomplished something. But there are other days when I wish I never started this running thing. I was unhappy with myself before I started, but I don’t feel super happy right now either.

I just wish it were easier to fully accept myself the way I am, embrace it and run like it didn’t matter.