What if there were no prize?

9 October, 2012 Off By Renée

I know what you are going to say.

“The prize is your health”
“The prize is having a long and fit life”

I know.

I really do.

But seriously some days I just think this is so hard.
All this hard work.
All the effort.
Planning, scheduling, running, racing, working out, getting fit, being involved, being the example.

It’s so fucking hard sometimes.

It feels like there’s no prize.

It’s never over. You have to keep going on and on and on and on.

You aren’t “lucky”
You have to work for it. *I* have to work for it.

There will never be one single day in my life where I won’t have to consciously make decisions about what I’m going to do, what I’m going to eat, how am I going to make a difference, today. Just today. And then do it all over again tomorrow.

There’s no prize.

“The prize is your health”

Yeah. OK. I get it.

“But you look so great!”
It’s not about looking great.
It’s not.

It’s about the fact that I can not do ANYTHING without thinking of the consequences.
How many calories?
When am I going to run?
How am I going to get a work out in?
What am I going to eat?

For “my health”

Because that’s really it. The numbers don’t change much. Clothes don’t fit right. I don’t get faster. It’s all the same.

There’s just no prize. There’s just me, currently NOT being fabulous.