What if there were no prize?

I know what you are going to say.

“The prize is your health”
“The prize is having a long and fit life”

I know.

I really do.

But seriously some days I just think this is so hard.
All this hard work.
All the effort.
Planning, scheduling, running, racing, working out, getting fit, being involved, being the example.

It’s so fucking hard sometimes.

It feels like there’s no prize.

It’s never over. You have to keep going on and on and on and on.

You aren’t “lucky”
You have to work for it. *I* have to work for it.

There will never be one single day in my life where I won’t have to consciously make decisions about what I’m going to do, what I’m going to eat, how am I going to make a difference, today. Just today. And then do it all over again tomorrow.

There’s no prize.

“The prize is your health”

Yeah. OK. I get it.

“But you look so great!”
It’s not about looking great.
It’s not.

It’s about the fact that I can not do ANYTHING without thinking of the consequences.
How many calories?
When am I going to run?
How am I going to get a work out in?
What am I going to eat?

For “my health”

Because that’s really it. The numbers don’t change much. Clothes don’t fit right. I don’t get faster. It’s all the same.

There’s just no prize. There’s just me, currently NOT being fabulous.

14 thoughts on “What if there were no prize?

  1. Ready. Deep breath in. Blow it out. Repeat ad nauseum.

    I hate to tell you, but you ARE fabulous. You’re just a little burnt out right now. So what in the hell would happen if you took one day…just one…where you didn’t think about ANYTHING health related?

    Give yourself a break. You’re doing better than you think you are.

  2. Oh god, I love this post so much. This is how I feel every freaking day, and I am still pretty much on the side of not thinking about consequences anyway.

    There will never be a moment when we can say, “Well, that was awesome! Now let’s move on …” because it doesn’t ever end.

    I guess the only prize is the one you decide on. What is prize enough for you? If health isn’t the prize, what’s the point of making those hard decisions? And if there is no prize, if all this journey ever has to offer you is struggle, is it worth undertaking?

    The question is, what makes it worth it to you? THAT is your prize.

    And just for the record, I think you’re fabulous.

  3. Ohhhh, I understand this. I train like a crazy woman and eat in a way which stumps people why I’m not super thin. My body is just weird that way.

    However, I made a choice years ago – I either keep up the fight and at least be fit/healthy/have tons of energy/enjoy life and have the consequences be that I have to be conscious of keeping active and what I eat most of the time, or I give up and go back to being barely able to cross the parking lot without getting out of breath, wearing size 20-somethings, and wondering what could have been. I may not be a size 2, but at least I know what it’s like to be size awesome! :)

    Anyway… **Hugs**. You’re pretty fabulous!

  4. Sometimes this stuff can really get you down. As I was walking out of my office to go workout during my lunch hour, one of the young skinny-as-a-rail 20-somethings at my office was entering with a bag of chips and a bottle of Coke (regular… not the diet stuff). I know for a fact that the only exercise he gets is firing up the xbox after slumping over his computer all day. But here I am, working out, eating salad, drinking water, not drinking soda (not even diet) and battling the scale every step of the way. It’s not just unfair, it’s… well… it’s just unfair.

    On another sad note, I read the title of this post as “What if there were no pizza?” *shudder*

  5. I have to say this. No b*s* from me.

    In my opinion, if we don’t like ourselves there is never a prize. Or putting it another way, do it all not for a prize but because you actually like yourself.

    It may sound trite or preachy or self-helpy, but hey, this is my honest opinion, and what I try to do in my own life (which by the way I’m not saying I get it right all the time, but it is what I try to be…) Once you get there, that is all you will never need to focus on.

    And for what it is worth I totally agree with Thea – give yourself a little break. You are a good, real, honest, loving person. Don’t let this bump take you down.

  6. You took the thoughts and words out of my mouth. I think about this every day. The day I want to just take a break I end up feeling guilty even though in my mind I computed everything anyway.

    And you are fabulous! Sometimes we just need a break but it’s hard to mentally dislodge from the routine.

    Someone else mentioned kittens..I want one of those please! I would totally take it as my prize! lol

  7. Because I love you, and because I know what it feels like to be where you are this week I’ll say what Thea and Donna have already said. You are doing much better than you are allowing yourself credit for right now. (so am I) You are okay and you’re still moving forward even though it feels like you’re treading water. Now before you punch me in nose for saying just what you didn’t want to hear AGAIN. I’ll recommend this.
    Find something you like to do, something that’s fun, it doesn’t have to be something that even fits with “fitness” but maybe something that just gets you moving. For me it was walking to work. I did it for a while, and I really REALLY enjoyed it. And it took some pressure off not having to THINK so damn hard.
    Give yourself a hug and a break. You really are awesome. xo

  8. Ah geez. There’s always a prize; it’s just figuring out (a) what it is and (b) if it’s worth it to you. I was going to point out, too, that the alternative isn’t very attractive (gaining weight, being unhealthy, etc.). But then I realize that negative motivation (working hard NOT to be a certain way) is always less powerful than positive motivation (working hard TO be a certain way/reach a certain goal). So I don’t know the answers and I do know some days it’s just freaking hard. But I also believe it’s worth it. Give yourself a little grace today, Renee.

  9. I hear ya sister! :)

    Some days just stink but you’re not alone in your feelings and there is always hope tomorrow is a better day.

  10. I think the “prize” is when your first response is the proper one–not the one of the fat brain. The prize is being able to trust yourself when you’re on autopilot.
    I mean, you don’t forget the person you were, ever. But sometimes it’s enough that you don’t have to struggle as much.

  11. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

    I just get tired sometimes. I know you are all right. I know you all know what I mean, you all know the struggle bits and the bits that just seem to flow seamlessly.

    There’s a combination of things going on at the moment. There’s feelings of failure. There’s uncertainty. There’s being tired of having to put so much effort. Then again there’s also feelings of strength and friendship and support and accomplishment. I know it’s ok to feel less than positive occassionally. I’m working on bringing myself on an up again.

    thank you thank you thank you thank you. you guys are so very awesome.

    Please do not send a kitten as much as I would love one… I have 6 cats in my house right now!

    but what if there were no pizza???

    1. If there was no pizza I’d focus on something else I love and learn to love it as much as pizza. Right now that would probably be strawberries. Or the smoothies I am making first thing in the morning which are dairy free slugs of goodness made with macadamia nuts and bananas. Or an amazing steak. Or an awesome salad with a super simple lemon olive oil dressing. Yep, I’d find another love affair. Or maybe ten new love affairs – polygamous healthy living!

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