Damage. Control.

One of the things I decided on Sunday was that I was going to stay in control this week. I think something that I’ve lost control of a long time ago is my belief in myself. It sounds strange maybe, but when you “do everything” possible to see the scale move downwards and it doesn’t happen for two years on you come to realize that maybe, just maybe… you aren’t doing “everything”…

Let me explain.

I really think that day after day, month after month, it’s so easy to just become so complacent about the situation. I mean I’m not losing anyway, so why not have a piece of chocolate cake at work? Or hey there’s extra dinner left, I’ll just have a second helping. It can’t be *that* much right… Hmmmm, that looks like 50g of cheese I just dumped on top of my pasta, even though it slightly resembles Chamonix… it can’t possibly be over my daily intake goal.

I’ve tried so hard to accept. Acceptance is so important, right?

But actually trying is important too.

I mean like really trying. Like being honest. Like really NOT dipping into the candy jar at work. Like really, really, really being in control.
I’m not saying that I haven’t been honest. I’ve been logging and tracking and being perfectly honest about what I’m eating. I’m not lying to you or anyone else including myself. BUT. I’m NOT being honest if I say I’m doing “everything” I can to lose weight when clearly that’s not true. Eating junk or saying f*ck it once I’ve dipped into said candy jar is not doing “everything” I can to lose weight. Drinking too much alcohol is NOT doing “everything” I can to lose weight.

So time to stop the damage. Time to be in control.

This week I just want to be in control. Every day I want to do what it takes to stay in control. I’ve got this negative self-talk in my head that says “see? You’re never really going to do this, are you?” I need to put an end to that voice. Can you imagine if I had a friend who spoke to me like this, for real? Would I really hang out with her for long? No! That’s not a good friend! It’s time to be my own best friend! To treat myself the way I treat others!

So tonight after work I was meeting up with a friend of a friend who is in the Netherlands for a few weeks – I knew we only had a few hours together so we were most likely just going for a drink – I literally saved my “spare” calories from yesterday to take care of today. I know before I went out I had a little over 600 cals left for dinner, I bought a salad to eat on the way home which was 520 cals and I had two beers worth around 320 cals total which puts me over for the day, but still fine for the week.

I just want to say, on my way back from the bar walking to the station I saw and had about 30 milliseconds of thought to: McDonald’s, 3 pizza places, fries, a falafel bar, KFC (and ugh, no, never! Remind me to tell you the salmonella story one day) and several different dutch snack bars… this is what I mean… just because I have two beers DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO JUST UNDO ALL OF MY HARD WORK! I focused. I walked to the station. I picked up my salad. I got on the train.

So I stopped the damage. And I stayed in control.

And I’m going to do it all over again tomorrow.