Everything is fine. So What’s Wrong?
I’ve officially been home from my Greek vacation for one week now.
It was only Wednesday that I had to go back to work, so I even had a few days to get used to being home again.
Yesterday, quite late in my work day (since I was late anyway) I felt like I could eat my weight in chocolate and then made an attempt to do so.
I thought about Mary’s Post regarding Guilt Over Food, and that I commented that I don’t feel guilty when I make choices that are not exactly on my plan. And this is the truth. I don’t feel guilty. But I couldn’t understand WHY I chose to go a bit crazy at the end of the day with the chocolate.
I mean, what was it?
Was I Hungry? Yes. A bit.
Was I angry? No.
Was I lonely? No.
Was I tired? Yes, most definitely.
Was I stressed? Yes. A bit.
I slept like crap from Tuesday night onwards. I don’t know why – the anticipation of going back to work, the heat and thinking/wondering about the new kitten we picked up on Sunday may have been what was causing me to not be relaxed. This lack of sleep thing really, really kills me and I don’t know what to do about it.
I have mentioned it several times; I live very far away from my job and travel a minimum of 4 hours a day return trip. I have to get up by around 5 – 5.30am on a normal work day to be to work by 9. Normally we leave the house at 6.30. I am one of those people who need that time in the morning to be calm and relaxed or my day is not set up for success. So there is no rushing. Rushing creates stress which creates a bad mood. I know myself well enough now in my nearly 42 years that I need to take it easy in the morning. During the day at work I have fun but I have stress too. I have people pulling me in all different directions. I’m new-ish (2 years) in my role and am still learning how to lead and manage people every day. This takes a lot of energy. I promised myself at the beginning of 2009 that I would not work any overtime anymore because it was just too much. For the most part I’ve really succeeded in that. But this week alone, just Weds – Friday I did nearly 5 extra hours. That’s almost another working day. No wonder I’m tired!
I also have a meloncholic feeling about returning to work. I love traveling and being on vacation but my bank account doesn’t love it for too long. So I have to go back. I half-jokingly asked Hubs if I could stay home and be a housewife while he worked and went to school. Of course he would get the benefits of a clean house, home cooked meals and a wife who wasn’t passing out within two seconds when her head hit the pillow. We know the reality though. I have to work.
I have thought about getting another job, here where I live, but this thought makes me unhappy. I love the company I work for, my job is OK (I’m pretty OK at it for a newbie), I really enjoy the extras I get to participate in, I love my colleagues.
We have wanted to move from here for a long time, but that’s also not in the cards right now.
So this is my reality.
Little sleep, lots of train rides, little time to myself, little time to dedicate to family and friends.
Everything is fine. I’m happy in general. I’m working on my health and I’m feeling good about results. I have a great Hubs, stepkids and friends.
So what’s wrong?
Why did I immediately go back to old, non added-value habits, already yesterday? Why??
I could say that it doesn’t matter why. I could say I learned something from it. I could say I’ve moved on.
But I’m feeling a little bit down. Even after getting back into the swing of things again. After a run this week. After two good sessions at the gym this week. I feel a bit empty.
I would like to feel that excitement again. I am going to think about some things I would like to acheive in the coming month. Something to put a fire under my arse, something to put some structure in my day and week (because structure is VERY important when you have little time). Something to shift my focus away from the things I can NOT change right now.
In the meantime, I AM participating in Alan’s 30 Day No Scale Challenge! I really want to participate in this to really train myself away from measuring success only by what the scale says. I have managed to go a few weeks, but never a month. So let’s see how we do!
Now for your viewing pleasure, some trip highlights: