Learn Something? Like What?

Why is it that every single time things just get TOO TOO much, I go for sweets and junk?
from http://www.lowdensitylifestyle.com/health-and-wellness/stress/
Seriously. You would think after SO MANY YEARS of doing this, I would get a real handle on things. Like, NEVER EVER going that route again. Why is it that I can quit smoking, and NEVER TOUCH ANOTHER CIGARETTE AGAIN but I can not keep out of the candy jar at work when things get really, really bad?
I had two great weeks on Weight Watchers, following ProPoints again. I had a great run on Sunday a GREAT run! Then I went back to work where it was nothing but stress all week. Working overtime, stupid trains, irritating issues, etc. I am so very tired of it! I managed to get all the way up to Thursday when I decided somehow that eating my weight in Chocolate would not only solve my problems, but quite possibly bring world peace as well. Hmmmmph.
Then I went out, ate a burger the size of Texas, drank 4 Mojitos and then got on a train to go home, where my loving and amazing (like I’m really, really, lucky and I tell him every day how much I appreciate him) husband picked me up at the train station at Midnight. We raced home and I was asleep by 00:30, only to get up and do it ALL over again on Friday (I went in late one hour and left one hour early as well. Take that, deadlines and people off sick!). Of course I ate like hell on Friday because I wasn’t home Thursday evening to plan and prepare and was left to survive on my basics at work plus whatever they had available when the need to eat came upon me.
My weigh in on Saturday? Back to 81.4 KG. Yes, folks, exactly where I was when I re-started. F*ck.
I feel like I have to be on program ALL the time, 150% or it just doesn’t work. Of course I didn’t expect to lose weight, but I didn’t expect to GAIN 2 kilos either! I mean, really? And I read constantly people who are NOT on plan, not even 50% it seems, who do NOT follow all the “fit formulas”, who do NOT eat all their fruit and vegetables and who DO eat nutritionally empty junk quite possibly on a daily basis and they lose weight.
There is a lesson in all of this, I am willing to learn it. I just don’t know anymore what it is. Maybe it’s patience and acceptance, since I have been saying that all along. Maybe it’s accepting who I am in the package I come in and then moving forward with that. I don’t know. I’m like a little kid having a tantrum at the moment though. Have I not said it loud enough?? I DON’T WANT TO WEIGH MORE THAN 80 KILOS!! I don’t even want to weigh more than 70 Kilos. Why must I stay overweight? You know I don’t even care about my size (clothes) anymore, you know what bothers me the most? That I can not run faster or be stronger as long as I have this extra weight. It doesn’t feel comfortable running at times. Maybe it sounds weird but the jiggling bits really do bother me. It’s like I’m running and 30% of my body is lagging behind. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m not asking for thin. I just want to be a healthy, non-overweight weight and a kickass runner.

17 thoughts on “Learn Something? Like What?

  1. :-( Sorry you’re having such a hard time of it. I’m the same. I have trouble eating healthily at work because the ‘bad food’ is so easily accessible. If I forgot to pack enough snacks for the day – it’s a short walk to the 7/11. Not good at all.

    1. I really try to prepare in these cases but sometimes the stress is too much, I just go straight for the sweets. I just don’t want to do that anymore.

  2. I am not sure if this is why, but weighing in right after eating off plan is not a good idea. While I have days of eating crap (I always feel like you are talking about me when you mention people who only eat on plan 50% of the time etc. ;)) I do try to make sure they are early in the week, not at the end of it. Not that that changes how much you gain or don’t gain, but my impression has been that a lot of times after ‘pigging out’ you can temporarily but the weight evens out in the long run. And that means while you may not actually gain weight in the long run, it makes weighing in that much more frustrating. So hang in there and see if this upcoming Saturday is better. :)

    1. I keep changing my w/i days so that I’m sure to not see the gain after a couple of drinks or a meal out! Maybe I should SKIP the w/i in that case! ha! Saturday I weighed in at 81.4 – three days later it was 80. Crazy weight fluctuations!!

      and I’m not talking about you darling – I think my rant is more about random tweets or blog posts i read and it’s slightly exaggerated of course!

      Thanks for sticking by me, even in all my complaining!

  3. Hmmm this is difficult because I don’t have the answer for you and I’m like you.

    First of all: looks like you and me are the same. Eat too much and immediately see a massive gain on the scale. I have that too: one night out for dinner = gain. Don’t step on the scale for a few days when this happens again, it’s better for your mental health.

    Maybe you should try something new like focussing on your running and not on your eating? I’ve decided I still want to lose weight but it’s second important now. Running that half marathon is the most important thing now (by the way I’m doing the half marathon of Utrecht on Eastern Monday).

    I know you love your work and your company but is it an idea to rethink your career? It seems to me that especially the travelling can be too much for you sometimes. I admire you how you do it all, I know I couldn’t do what you do.

    1. Hi Fran, thanks – it’s so strange that some people just can lose and others have to work really, really hard at it! 10 years ago when I was doing this it wasn’t the case! Maybe age is truly playing a part in this??

      I am definitely going to focus on my fitness goals – I have been talking about acceptance but not really accepting yet. Moving on from the weight thing is going to save my head from exploding I think!

      I have looked for other job opportunities in my area, even just this weekend, but there is nothing. I probably need to make the next step to go to some proper agencies and broaden my search that way, but it’s my love of the company that stops me from that. There are really only two possibilities here – move closer to work or get a new job… so whatever happens first. I have to hang in there until then…

      I’m going to check my schedule – I don’t want to steal your thunder for the Half in Utrecht but maybe I can do it too??? Are you still going for the Marikenloop?

  4. As someone who has an equally stressful job involving travel, I totally see why it’s hard to stay on track. I’m a massive sweets craver too and I’ve been known to down 2 entire blocks of Galaxy chocolate at my worst. I know part of my problem is that I have diabetes in my family (my grandmother and dad have it). Apparently there was some research done that says it is much harder for people like me to lose weight and keep it off. We have to stay ON all the time. Like you I hate that one blip leads to an enormous gain on the scales. It seems so unjust that some people can just eat moderately well for a while and not do much exercise and the weight just falls off them. One thing you SHOULD find is that if you gain weight very quickly, it should come off very quickly as well (providing of course that you manage to follow your “bad” week with a “good” one. I totally agree with what Fran says about concentrating on your running. Clearly that is getting you fitness results even if the weight related results aren’t coming yet. I did have a friend who was an avid runner who STS for 2 years before she suddenly started looking very trim. She upped her running and did more interval stuff (she was training for a marathon) and she suddenly started to see some results from the running – it’s like she had some sort of delayed reaction and when she got to the point that she was really fit her body suddenly went “well I’m not going to get any fitter unless I drop some of this weight!”. I have noticed your running times are getting better and better – I think that is really encouraging. Maybe continue to eat as healthily as you can but concentrate on seeing your running triumphs as mini-goals :) I hope you have a better week this week!

    1. Hey Emilie, thanks for your response and it’s nice to know you can really relate. The feedback I am hearing is to focus on the fitness so I want to shift my mindset. Being stubborn it just takes some time to do that. thank you!!

  5. I have been watching your tweets and thinking about you

    this is such a freakin journey huh? and for me the key is and way keeping the fitness IN even when my bod failed to seem to even realize I was doing it.

    it helped/helps maintain my sanity :)

    1. yes, this. I am definitely working my way towards focusing on the fitness and not the scale because yeah, otherwise it’s wrecking my sanity!

  6. Is it wrong of me that I really wanted to BE THERE with you, eating my weight in chocolate and eating hamburgers? Double sheesh. (Stage whisper: It sounds so fun!)

    In the grand scheme of things, I think we should chalk this one up to: “It’s not fair”.

    I don’t get how *I* can eat way too much on one single day and put on 3-4 pounds and others can eat like that for days on end and nada. Not a blip of a gain.

    If it helps…I think of YOU when I get down and get really mad at how slow this process is – how it will never end.

    I know how strong you are, I know you want to be better, faster, stronger, and I get how stubborn you are. Like me. I see you way ahead of me and I KNOW that if you can keep it up, in spite of these STUPID waylaying things, I can do it too. I’m trying to think in the loooong term, like another year+ to lose another 30 pounds.

    Anyway, you rock.

  7. Of course you can do the Half of Utrecht, why not? In fact it would be nice to know that you would be in training for it too, especially on days you really don’t want to run.

    I intend to do the Marikenloop too next year. It’s after the half, before that I won’t do any races but after that I intend to run races for fun and the Marikenloop is still on my bucket list.

    I have to do interval today, in the gym that is, but the thought of having to go out again once I’m home (besides the two times I have to walk Bella today) is really bothering me. So I think I’m taking the day off and do the interval on Friday and then the long run on Sunday.

    Do you want my half marathon schedule? I can email it to you. It’s from Dutch Runners and it’s really a good schedule. If you want to do Utrecht you can start at week 9 if you start next week, long run will be 10K that week which isn’t a problem for you. Email me if you want to have it.


    1. that’s it, isn’t it Rebecca! somehow we are blocking our own way. wonder what it is about succeeding that isn’t working well with our subconscious??

  8. OMG – you are me. I could have written exactly what you have written about myself. Scary stuff. I wish I knew the answer nearly 30 years I’ve been OBSESSED and I’m sick of it.

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