I think this one will stick.
It’s been another rough week emotionally. I don’t want to behave the way I have been. I’m frustrated and angry that my doctor, for one, can speak to me the way she does, so patronizing and basically saying “there’s nothing wrong with you so there’s nothing I can do for you”. I find this odd. Remember when we used to go to the doctor and they really wanted to help you?
Perhaps there are more tests that can be done. Or… perhaps, yes, as I have suggested myself AND as others have suggested, just stop worrying about weight loss. I can do other things. I am very healthy. I know I eat right.
Sure it’s not fair that I “think” I make more of an effort than others do who lose weight consistently, but this way of thinking, combined with comparing myself to others is going to be the death of me.
At the end of the day, it’s about what I’m doing to maintain the kind of life that I actually like living. I find it incredibly difficult to find a balance. This week however my boss said that I had to work one day from home per week and that he wanted me to leave 45 min early two days a week, because it was easy for me to make up the time the day I’m working from home. He’s concerned. So the way I’ve been behaving and feeling really shows up on my face. He can SEE that clearly I’m not well (mentally, emotionally) and he doesn’t want me to have a break down or in fact look for another job and leave the company (which would be ultimate solution, to work where I live).
I need a plan and I need to stick to the schedule. Running, for example, didn’t happen this week. So I may as well start my Half-Marathon training over again. I did however go to the gym – Monday, Thursday and today. I did ask about personal training and one of the PT’ers sat with me to help figure out what I needed from my training and how I could achieve my goals (of strength, not weight loss). Today I went to set up a new program. I really would like to do my running AND gym in the same week, but I need to figure out timing, working from home days and food. Yes, food. Because if I go to the gym right after work, I’ll need to eat in the train and go immediately from my home train station otherwise I run out of time. This adds more time to prepping in the evening and/or morning, so I need to consider prepping most food on Sundays. If it seems complicated, it feels it too.
This week at a very, very down and emotional moment I had a few people unfollow me on Twitter. I know the virtual world is different than the “real” world and normally it doesn’t bother me that much, but this week it did. I felt like I was being kicked while already down. I’m a grown woman and I know better than to take it personally, but I’m also human. Some people I feel more a connection than not. I feel like in real life I could be friends with those people. I think this is because I have met so many people in person through different media, that I assume we are really friends and I personally wouldn’t do that to someone who was feeling bad. This is a character flaw of mine. I shouldn’t assume these things. After all, when we assume… well you know ass / u / me right? I’m still annoyed but I’ll get over it and have already learned from it.
I am going running tomorrow and I am looking forward to it!!
How do you get yourself out of a bad attitude? What do you to do really adjust and move on?
I don’t think your alone when it comes to feeling that certain connections on-line are just as ‘valid’ as others off-line. Unfortunately some, most etc don’t feel that way.
In my opinion and from my experience, some people are just on Twitter to pimp their products, blog etc. I’ve learned this the hard way at blogging get togethers etc. that just because we may interact a lot via Twitter and I assume we have a “friendship”, doesn’t mean they’ll give me 2 minutes of face time when we actually meet.
It’s tough weeding out those people, but eventually you figure out whose genuine and not.
Anyways, I’m glad your boss is being so understanding about everything. That says a lot about the company you work for and I do hope you find some balance.
Miss you on Twitter!
hugs,
rebecca
I still think your plan to concentrate on being a runner is the way to go. It’s very frustrating that your doctor seemed to dismiss you after the tests. How long are you giving each new idea a try? Maybe things just take a bit longer to have an effect?
It’s insanely unfair that you have to try so much harder than other people to lose weight (and even to maintain). I know I’m in that position too. I hate it. When everyone else stuffs themselves over Christmas they put on 3lbs at the most. I can gain a stone in the same time. It’s just ridiculous how I have to be “ON” all the time. I am slowly accepting that this is the way I am but it does lead to frustration if you compare yourself to other people.
You are on the right track and don’t worry.. your positivity will start to get you results. After all – you are a kick arse runner!!!
Wow. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I think we all have our demons to fight. I know losing weight is also difficult for me as well. I’ve been gaining and losing the same two pounds for the past 2 months.
I hope you can find a way to feel better about yourself.
Honestly, the thing that works for me, when I’m feeling really bad, is to work out until I’m sore and sweaty and a little shaky. :)
Here’s looking at the beginning of a GOOD week.
So? are you feeling better?
I am :)