Quit What?

I really wanted to start writing more often and had visions of brilliant prose flowing from my brain to my fingers on a regular basis. The reality is, I haven’t got a lot to say, and even when I try to think of things to say, it’s a lot of the same stuff over and over. I feel slightly cynical, negative even and have already “lost” many people along the way because they either have nothing to add or comment upon, can’t help me or are tired of my whinging (fair enough).

I’ve thought about “quitting” many, many, many times. I mean really, who am I kidding here? Twenty-One months with hardly any change, who wouldn’t quit by now?

Then I wondered what quitting would mean.

I mean, if I have maintained for this long wouldn’t that actually mean that the “lifestyle change” has taken place? People talk about it yet you hear about the struggles they have in between. Falling off the wagon. Having binges. Constantly having to start over again.

I don’t have a wagon to fall off. I do what I do and for the most part I like it. I actually prefer eating healthy over eating crap. That’s not to say that I’d say no to pizza occasionally but why should I? Where’s enjoyment in life if you can’t occasionally eat and drink something that you love? What about just having a balance?

You know when I have “binges”? When I’m stressed and I start in on the candy jar at work. Or when I’m really, really hungry (like the five eierkoeken I ate two weeks ago and then threw the rest away). I don’t even binge. I don’t eat entire jars of peanut butter anymore. I can have a package of hummous last me a week. I don’t really “get” why it’s so hard to not binge or what it means to have cravings. For the love of Pete I don’t even get bloody cravings! I can be sympathetic to those struggling, but I don’t really relate, if you know what I mean?

I do feel like I’m constantly starting over again but maybe that’s because I’m too focused on this stupid number on the scale. And I’m too involved in weight loss communities, I read blogs, and many women (and some men) around me are obsessed about their weight. Wouldn’t it be great if it were no longer an issue and we could just go on with our day and lives without wondering how many calories something has in it or how that skinny person over there is eating crackers and cottage cheese no wonder I’m fat with my grilled cheese sandwich on my plate? I enjoy being able to track at MFP but I look at some food diaries and I wonder how do they eat so little? Aren’t they starving? And I question myself and berate myself for not being able to “do better”. It’s crazy though, don’t we all have different needs?

So if I have already gone through the change (the lifestyle change, not menopause ha!) , I suppose that means I can’t quit. I mean, what would I do? Go back to eating shit all the time? Overeat and not be careful about how I fuel my body? How would I run properly if I don’t fuel properly?

This isn’t a weight loss “journey”. This is just life. This is my life. I’m perfect the way I am with ALL of my imperfections. I wish I could get over what everyone else is doing or saying or eating. No one has the body I have. No one can really say that what worked for them would work for me. Clearly I am a unique snowflake over here. I keep talking about acceptance and I wonder, how would I be if I had a debilitating disease? Or I couldn’t walk anymore? Wouldn’t that be HARDER to accept than just being slightly overweight? If this is how it is, then I would gladly take this over illness.

I still wish I could report in with what a great week I had (I didn’t) and that the scale is moving in the right direction (it isn’t). I wish I felt more positive, better about everything (I don’t), that I could move and inspire you to also keep going. This is probably more about survival than anything else. I can’t go back, BUT I could just stay right where I am and be ok with that.

If you guys have any tips on doing so, please let me know.


  1. Elisha says:

    Oh goodness, what to say to this?

    You’re right. If you have made it there, you can’t really “quit.” What would you be quitting? You’d have to re-start something new, or old, as the case may be.

    Yes, our bodies are different, but I think that you are where most of us weight-obsessed people want to be. You don’t deal with and worry about cravings or binges on a daily basis. To get to a place where you’re completely comfortable with a healthy diet–that is AMAZING!

    I don’t think any of us really know where our bodies will end up. So what if it’s a number a little higher than we would like? The important thing is how you feel, and how much you enjoy your life.

    If you’re feeling good, enjoying your body, your life, and your self, I’d say you’re golden.

  2. Tracy says:

    I think you’ve got it right when you say that you can’t quit the life you’re leading right now, because going back to eating crap definitely isn’t the right thing to do. You can’t be a runner if you don’t fuel your body properly.

    But I also think that if you’re happy enough where you are right now, that you should maybe think about maintaining until you think you’re in a better mental place to think about starting to lose weight again.

    (In a random thought re: weight loss, since I’m starting it again: have you thought about the Core Plan? I’m not sure what they called it in Europe or the USA. http://qotu.typepad.com/journey2fitness/2004/08/weight_watchers_1.html pretty much sums it up. It worked amazingly for Mum and me. We started it again yesterday. You don’t count Points, but you get 21 (old) Points a week to spend on bread and treats and things?)

    But yeah. If you’re happy enough where you are right now, focus on fueling your body to heal your leg, so that you can get back into running again. You’ll probably feel better once you get back into your running routine again. :)

  3. I agree. I am not where you are yet so I am focused on the weight loss a lot more but you are in a different position. And it really sounds like you have made this lifestyle change work for you. That is more than I can say for myself – I have never managed to maintain over an extended period of time.
    I’d say just keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe you will begin losing weight again one day, maybe you won’t but as long as you stay as healthy and active as you are, I think you are doing everything right.

  4. Katie says:

    It’s so HUGE that you are at this place of balance where you don’t binge or crave. I can’t even count the people who have lost a ton of weight but who are constantly fighting and struggling with their desires to just stay anywhere in the range they want to be. To me, that’s not success. Success is getting to that mindset and balance where YOU are in mastery of your mind. Honestly, I’d much rather have that set of skills than a pair of size 4 jeans because that set of skills is MATURITY and STRENGTH and peace and confidence. I’m so proud of you. I really am. It actually makes me teary.

    Someone told me recently that it’s a misconception that you can ever stop thinking about what you put into your mouth. That once you’ve lost a lot of weight you always have to be on guard because it’s the you inside your brain that brought you to that fat place in the first place. I disagree now. I think that we always have the opportunity to start over with a new mindset and I think that a big part of that is where you are now: the balance, the lack of cravings, etc.

    Think about it and I’d love to hear what you have to say because it’s really been running through my mind lately. If this is a lifelong process, won’t each year be a little different? A little better? A little easier? I find that’s true with my running and with my habits. Lately I’m calming down about things that used to really rock my boat because I’m seeing that in another 6 months, those things don’t even matter. I wonder if just time passing by will shift things that we now can’t seem to move past even with a thousand pounds of dynamite. Hmm.

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